GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- HOUSEBOY 2000 15. 03/10/91 "HOUSEBOY 2000" Writer: Marjorie Gross / Director: Peter Baldwin When Chris burns down Sharon's kitchen, he agrees to act as her servant to pay for the damage. She then proceeds to break his will and turn Chris into her willing slave. Larry must try and deprogram him. [music: Master and Servant] Mr. Hampton ....... Chuck Sloan Betty ............. Deborah Benson Woman ............. Jill Womack (Chris is in the Potter kitchen spraying a fire extinguisher) Chris -- See? (reading from a cookbook) ..then spray with fire extinguisher, let stand and serve." Uh. Okay. Who likes dark meat? Sharon -- Chris you have burned my kitchen beyond recognition! Chris -- It's not burned Sharon-0w-it's blackened. Sharon -- My beautiful walls. It took the painter and me three days to come up with this color. Chris -- Oh and I'm not allowed to make my own little statement? Larry --Chris, as your friend I suggest you get on your bike and peddle your fat rump home as fast as you can. Chris -- Hey Sharon, it looks a lot worse than it really is. I mean, just a little 409 and before you know it your kitchen's gonna look spic and spoodie soofie spadoonie. (Later with insurance agent) Agent -- I think you're looking at two grand worth of damage here. Chris -- Really? Even after the 409? Agent -- I'll make sure that you get a check for two thousand dollars tomorrow. Sharon -- Thank you sir. Thank you very much. Chris -- uh yes. oooooh thank you. oooooh Hail Caesar. oooooh Alam Salamahanna. oooooh anna fanna anna foo fanna foo fanna. Oh ho ho. Eh so this kinda turned out to be a kind of cool fire after all, huh?. And none of those annoying smoke alarm whines to shout over either. (laughs) Oh my! ( sighs) Agent -- (returning) Are you saying the alarm was disabled? Sharon -- No. No ho hoo. Chris -- Yes. Yes. Yes it was. I uh, I took the batteries out of it. (laughs) I always do whenever I cook because I always make gobs and gobs of smoke. (laughs) Ya know once my aunt's smoke alarm went off and it totally screwed up her sense of balance. And she did so love her trampoline. Agent -- Well intentionally disabling an alarm totally violates our agreement. I'm very sorry but you get nothing. Sharon -- gasp Chris, You have destroyed my kitchen, ruined our insurance policy I...Larry I think we finally have enough to put him behind bars. Larry -- Chris, 2000 dollars is a lotta money. Chris -- Larry c'mon, don't worry I'll pay ya back. (laughs) I'll pay ya alittle out of my salary each week--ya know--not enough to make me uncomfortable but uh, you know, we should be even by the year 2011. Hey, maybe even 2010 if I go back to domestic cheese. Sharon -- Hope my knives didn't melt in the fire. Chris -- Hey. Wait a second guys. Sheild your eyes from the lightbulb over my head. I gotta great idea. I'll work it off. Huh. Sharon, I'm sure you could probably use a strapping young lad around the house, couldn't you. Sharon -- Sure. But I don't need a fat druling imbecile. Chris -- No. Of course you don't. I agree. What's the point? .....Look c'mon Larry's always telling how you're whining and moaning about not having enough help around the house and how you never want to lift a finger. Sharon -- Oh he is, is he? Larry -- Honey. I didn't say anything. Chris may have inferred a thing or two. Chris -- Great! Then it's settled then--I'm your new Uncle Charlie. Larry -- Chris, you have no idea what you're setting yourself up for. Sharon -- Now wait darling. I could actually make him....do anything, couldn't I? Chris -- Well, I,I draw the line at sex Sharon. (laughs) Sharon -- You have a deal. Chris -- Great. Deal. LATER Living Room Chris --Ba ba ba. Oh goodmorning Mr. P. My, we're up bright and early, and I suppose you'll be wanting your coffee. Larry -- Chris, for the last time, as a ten-year-veteran of Sharon I beg you not to do this. Look, I'm going out of town for a couple of days and you don't know what you're letting yourself in for. Chris -- Larry, would you relax? Jeeze. I know how to take care of myself around Sharon. Gosh. You know, unlike you, I still have alittle steel left in my shorts. Larry -- Chris wait. Chris -- What? Sharon -- Goodmorning. Chris -- Oh good morning me lady. Goodmorning. I'm here to do your bidding me lady. (laughs) Shall I draw you a bath me lady fair? (laughs) Sharon -- Alright Chris, drop the idiot-in-waiting routine. Here are the house rules. First, speak only when spoken too. Second, obey orders instantly upon the hearing the phrase "Now get out!" Third, I want no trace of your personality whatsoever. You are vapor. Chris -- Shwew! ooh shwew! Boy, that's a relief. (laughs) For a second there I though you wanted me prancing around in something really short and tight. Sharon -- WE'RE you spoken to? Chris -- You know that's funny? That reminds me of a funny story. When I was in first grade Mrs Wallace told me that she didn't want to hear a peep out of me, so when she turned her back I went "PEEP!" Sharon -- Mm Hmm. Chris. That's precisely the kind of crap that is history in my presence. Chris -- Well c'mon Sharon it was just a joke. Sharon -- Okay. Fine. Deal's off, you owe us 2000 dollars. See you in court. Larry, call the lawyer. Chris -- Uh uh okay. Alright, fine you win. Sheeese. Sharon -- Do I? Chris -- Yes. Sharon -- Yes......Miss Sharon. Chris -- Yes, Miss Sharon. Sharon -- Now once with the eyes cast downward . Chris -- Yes, Miss Sharon Sharon -- Now say it higher. Chris -- Yes, Miss Sharon. Sharon -- Now lower. Chris -- Yes, Miss Sharon. Sharon -- In latin. Chris -- Dominetum etum akum lakum nakum...Sharon. Sharon -- My life is storybook perfect...(laughs) ..Now get out. (Montage sequence to the tune of " Master and Servant" by Depech Mode ?) Sharon -- I wonder if this milk's stilll good? Oh Chris. (Chris drinks and wretches) (Chris has just completed a shoe pyramid.) Chris -- Awh, there. All done Miss Sharon. Sharon -- Yes. That's very nice Chrissy, but--but you know? I think I'd prefer that pair on top. Chris -- (sobs) Oh ho ho no, please, please Miss Sharon, no. I'll do anything. I can't take it anymore (sobs) my lungs are black from oven grease. (sobs) I have blisters on my vacuuming hands. (sobs) What have you done to my parents. They know nothing. Please Oh pleas stop this madness. Sharon -- But Chrissy. Chris -- Huh? Sharon -- To quote the Carpenters "we've only just begun." Chris -- Aawww hu hu huh. (Larry arrives into the living room) Larry -- Hi honey! Sharon --Well hello sweetheart. How was your trip? Larry -- Fine. Where's Chris? Under the floorboards? Sharon -- (laughs) Larry. Larry -- Well I figured I'd come home and the place would look like the end of Taxi Driver. Chris -- Pardon the intrusion Miss Sharon but your sweaters are all pill-less now and it's time for your four o'clock lip balming. Larry -- (laughs) Hey Chris that's pretty funny. Chris -- Oh hello Mr. Sharon would you care for a light nutritious snack? I'm here to serve. Larry -- Okay, okay it's very funny now cut it out. Sharon -- Gee my neck is certainly stiff from all this reading. Chris -- Aaaaeeeh! Larry -- Wait a minute! He's not joking. What have you done to my friend? Sharon -- Oh Larry what are you getting so worked up about? I've simply broken his will and got as his soul. As you can see I've left his pitiful shell intact. Larry -- This is one thing I will not put up with (Sharon glares at him)....unless of course you want me to. (Later at Sharon's powpow with her peers) Sharon -- So, as for the subject of breast-feeding in public restaurants, we still lack five thousand signitures before we can get that legislation to City Hall. Now of course I could send Chris door to door until he drops. Chris -- Well I'll be happy to do anything I can Miss Sharon. I mean after all it's only natural--a breast is just a gland, like your tonsils or your liver or, or your ears. And my god how many ears do we see hanging out in restaurants nowadays. I mean if anything should be covered up. It's like living in Paris in the Twenties. Would you like some more pate'? Oh my god Miss Sharon's glass is almost empty and there's no more mineral water out here. Miss Sharon I'll get some for you right away. Sorry, I am an unworthy fool aren't I? Neighbor -- Sharon that Chris is incredible. Neighbor #2 -- An absolute gem. KITCHEN (Larry waits to trap Chris) Larry -- Hello Chris. Chris -- Oh hello Mr. Sharon. That's a lovely sack that you have, but I'm afraid I can't talk right now, Miss Sharon is out of mineral water and, and you know what that means. Larry -- Oh you poor brainwashed bastard. Chris -- Now Mr. Sharon you know how Mrs. Sharon doesn't like that salty sailor language. Chris -- Hey. What's going on. aah Help it's dark in here. Mommy help. I am in a sack. I repeat: I'm in a sack. oh ow (Larry takes Chris to his room) Chris -- ow oow ghrre ooh help I'm still in a sack. ooh Larry -- It's okay buddy It's gonna be okay. Chris -- Where am I? Larry -- You're in your room Chris. Chris -- Where's Miss Sharon? Larry -- She's not here. She's far away. Your safe, she can't hurt you here. Chris -- What's going on? Larry -- Listen to me very carefully Chris. My wife has done something she's very good at. She's eaten your soul. Chris -- Don't be ridiculous Larry, I'm the same Chris I always was. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go get Miss Sharon her mineral water and then take all the salt off her pretzles the way she like 'em. Larry -- Chris! Listen to yourself. I can't allow this to happen, it's too depressing. You used to be a really fun terrific idiot, but now you remind me of.....well me. My soul maybe lost but by-golly yours shall survive. Chris -- Larry you're talking like a hippie in a catnip factory. I'm fine. Larry -- Okay Mr. Wiseass If you're so fine, let's see you stay away from Sharon for five minutes without breaking in a cold sweat...And I throw this out--She's probably parched by now. Chris -- That should be a piece of cake. I mean it's not like I'm a robot with a powerpack up my butt. ahh ahh Okay so maybe it's a little stuffy in here, either that or I have a powerpack up my butt. Larry -- I knew it! Chris -- ehh What are you doing? What the hell is this? (Larry straps Chris in to his restraint chair) Larry -- Sorry, It's for your own good buddy. Chris -- What, where the hell did this chair come from. Larry -- I made it in my hobby shop. Isn't it neat? CHRIS -- What's going on here. Hey aaah. Mr. Sharon what are you doing? I don't need a haircut. Hey hey I can't move, I can't move what's happening? Larry -- Just relax Chris. This isn't gonna be pleasant but it's gonna be worth it. CHRIS -- Uh Uh You're not going to make me watch "An Evening at the Improv with Bud Friedman" are you? Larry -- Something with even lower production values. Chris -- Uh Uh uh uh uh egh eugh. (Larry starts video of Chris and Sharon) Larry -- Honey hold the hotdogs up so I can see 'em. That's it. Sharon -- This is going to be the best fourth of July ever, sweetheart. Chris -- (in the chair)Oh miss Sharon you look lovely. Let me take that tray for you. Chris -- Hi Sharon! Hey you finally found something simple enough to cook that you can't screw up, huh? Oooh Pooh I guess I spoke to soon. Still buying the cheapest cuts of meat huh, Sharon? Sharon -- Larry get your moron loser idiot friend out of here. Chris -- Oooh look it's hotdog boy. I'm hotdog boy. C'mon gimme a hotdog kiss. Happy fourth of July. Hu hu hu. Sharon -- Get away from me, you idiot! Larry -- See? You used to be so cool. Chris -- Mustn't upset Miss Sharon. No, no. Speak when spoken to. Speak when spoken to. Sharon --.....Easter and um here are the eggs. Here's a pretty pink one that Amy did. Bobby here's that pretty blue one you did isn't that nice? Chris -- Hiya folks. It's hotdog boy! Mmmm (laughs) What are we going to church or something? (laughs) Sharon -- Doesn't he get tired of this stupid joke? Chris -- (laughs) Look Sharon I got some mistletoe. You know what that means. That means that somebody's gonna have to give hotdog boy a big hotdog french kiss. Mmm Mmm Sharon -- God, it's Easter You idiot. Chris -- Hotdog boy's invincible. (laughs Sharon -- (shreeks) Oh God! (Montage of crashes etc and Sharon repeated tape of Sharon yelling "Idiot..You're an idiot." A la "A Clockwork Orange." Chris screams) CHRIS -- No Miss Sharon is good. Miss Sharon is love. Miss Sharon has maintained her figure after two children. (Chris crys suffers over more montage) Chris -- Hey... hey...Larry...Larry I'm cured. I'm cured Larry. Really I am I'll never listen to Sharon again. Oh ho thank you Larry, thank you, I'm cured. Larry -- Stop it Chris. What do you think I came to town on a melon truck? I'll tell you when you're cured. Wait there's more, Chris. (Montage gets more intense) (Chris falls from the Chair screams) Chris -- Where did you get this awful tape? Larry -- I made it on my home video eight system, pretty cool huh? Sharon -- Why Chris? What are you doing HERE out of my sight? I was left to put the dishes in the dishwasher by myself. I looked around but you were nowhere to be seen--off without so much as a mistress may I. Larry -- Sharon. It's over. You're days of Chris and Roses have come an end. He's not going back. Sharon -- I'm directing all my fury at Chris now Larry but I'll recharge...and kill you later. Larry -- Chris is free. I've broken him of your noxious spell. Sharon -- Is that so? Chris -- That's right miss...Sharon. I'm back to the old me. Sharon -- Well, we'll just see about that. Chris, pick up that pin for me? Chris -- In your dreams. Sharon -- Chris. I'm waiting. (CHRIS Struggles throws himself back) Larry -- ALRIGHT!......Just an impartical observer honey. Sharon -- Oh my. I seem to have dropped my sweater. I do wish someone would pick it up for me. Chris -- Pick up your own damn sweater. Larry -- Yes! Say it again Chris -- Pick up your own damn sweater. Larry -- Yes! Now nail her with one of your zingers! Chris -- Pick up your own damn sweater you hor, horrid.. Larry -- Go ahead say it! She's a whore! Chris -- No, my gosh no. I was going to say..she's a horrible young lady. I would never say something that awful to such a fine lady, no ...because I'm Hotdog boy. (laughs) Hotdog back my popular demand. Hotdog boy wants a big hotdog kiss. Where is hot dog mommy? Sharon -- Get the hell away from me you scum Larry -- He's Back! Sharon -- All my good work completely down the drain. Well someone is going to have to pay for this and you don't have to be Columbo to figure out who. Larry -- It was worth it. Chris -- (sighs) wooo. What a cool chair. (SHARON re-enters) Sharon -- Chris pick up that sweater for me Chris -- Yes Miss Sharon, lemme get that.....aaww Jeeze. Sharon -- Cured huh? (laughs) Chris -- I guess from now on, it's just gonna be one day at a time. THE END