From: jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu (Joel Furr)
Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 1 of 3, Lemur Humor)
Summary: This posting contains a list of Frequently Asked Questions (and the best answers we got) about Lemurs.  It should be read by anyone who wishes to post to the alt.fan.lemurs newsgroup.
Date: 15 Feb 93 08:02:06 GMT

Archive-name: lemur-faq/part1
Last-modified: 1993/02/15
Version: 1.1

    Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
                    Part 1 of 3  -- Lemur Humor

This is the famous alt.fan.lemurs newsgroup, the newsgroup that 
celebrates the legend, lore, and humor of Madagascar's most famous 
animals. Lemur discussion began in 1991 on a small local campus
conferencing system at Virginia Tech, spread to a few USENET news-
groups, and acquired its own newsgroup in Fall 1992.  Alt.fan.lemurs
is primarily a humor group: while we do not discourage serious
zoological or conservationist discussion of lemurs, we do warn you
going in that you're fairly likely to get some unusual answers to
serious questions asked there.  Go ahead and ask, though.  We take
all kinds.

------------------------------

                           The Questions

(1) Um, this newsgroup seems to have a somewhat unusual view
      of Lemurs.  According to you, what IS a Lemur?
(2) What kinds of sounds do Lemurs make?
(3) Are Lemur eyes really all that big?
(4) What do Lemurs do when the weather turns cold?
(5) What do Lemurs like to eat?
(6) Who is Nigel the Lemur?
(7) Who is Rudolpho the Christmas Lemur?
(8) Who are the other Lemurs?
(9) What's the story about these Lemurs I occasionally see
      flying past my window?
(10) How come the Lemurs can get onto the cow starship when
      the cows themselves can't get back in?
(11) What's this I hear about a song called "Shock the
      Lemur?"
(12) What is "Lemur-B-Gon"?
(13) Does Lemur-B-Gon _work_?
(14) What do I do if I'm out driving and I come to a road-
      block where Lemurs are shaking people down for money
      and Chex Mix?
(15) Can you get Lemurs at governmental surplus property
      auctions?
(16) What is the "Lemurcon equation"?
(17) What should I do if I meet a Lemur?
(18) Were there Lemurs in Star Trek (tm)?
(19) Is it unusual to dream about Lemurs?
(20) How do Lemurs get into the USA?
(21) Are Lemurs controlling the minds of alt.folklore.urban
      readers, forcing them to insert the word "Lemur" into
      the keywords lines of their posts?
(22) How can you keep your local Lemurs entertained?
(23) Have Lemurs appeared in any court cases?
(24) How do monkeys compare with Lemurs?
(25) Can Lemurs in zoos escape?
(26) What do Lemurs in zoos like to eat?
(27) If you feed the Lemurs, what's likely to happen?
(28) Is it wise to publicly express a fondness for Lemurs
      over the Internet?
(29) What's that "Joey the Lemur, Friend of Mankind" song
      they did on Mystery Science Theatre 3000?
(30) Would it be a good idea to give a Lemur a toolbox for
      his or her birthday?  Are Lemurs vocationally skilled?
(31) What are Lemurs' tails used for?
(32) Are Robert O'Brien's local Lemurs up to something?
(33) Why do Lemurs spend so much time trying to get their
      mitts on credit cards?
(34) Where can I find .GIFs of Lemurs?
(35) What's this I hear about a 900 number for Lemurs?
(36) Can thinking about Lemurs have positive benefits?
(37) Who are the alt.fan.Lemurs Very Important People?

------------------------------

                            The Answers

(1) Um, this newsgroup seems to have a somewhat unusual view of
Lemurs.  According to you, what IS a Lemur?

      L-E-M-U-R (le-mer) noun  Lemur: a small mammal with
      large eyes, a foxlike face, and wooly fur, found
      mainly in Madagascar, Virginia Tech, and in the
      Twinkie aisle of your local 7-11. There are different
      kinds of Lemurs, some resembling monkeys, some resem-
      bling mice and squirrels, and some resembling politi-
      cians.  They live in trees and some are active mainly
      at night.  Others prefer to ride the rides at local
      theme parks. They are probably similar to an ancestor
      of the primates, meaning even Lemurs have a little bit
      of Elvis in them. <New Latin (?!?) LemurES, plural
      <Latin Lemures (with a - over the last E) specters,
      ghosts (because of their appearances and nocturnal
      habits)

This definition written by Barbara Poff.

-----------

(2) What kinds of sounds do Lemurs make?

Words known to be found in the Lemur lexicon include "ptang,"
"frink," "cheep," and "whooooooo".  The meaning of these words is
said to vary based on the motion of the eyes at the time a given
phrase is said.

Further information is reported by G. Shapiro:

      "Let me summarize the current understanding of Lemur lin-
      guistics, as reported in the Journal of Irreproducible
      Results.

      frink (adj) - very appealing, sexually

      frink (noun) - a National Geographic photographer.

      [NOTE: The dual usage of frink stems from a confusion in
      Lemur society. The primary determinant of sexual appeal in
      Lemurs is size of the eyes. Lemurs confused the telephoto
      lenses of NG photographers as huge, and hence very appeal-
      ing, eyes.]

      ptang (verb) - to have sex with another species. Has a
      positive connotation when the other species is also primate.
      More akin to the English 'bestiality' when the other species
      is non-primate.

      cheep, cheep, cheep (noun) - particularly satisfactory
      sexual experience.

      So let us use this knowledge to translate the following
      Lemur dialogue:

      1st Lemur: PTANG FRINK FRINK
      2nd Lemur: cheep, cheep, cheep.

      Translation:

      1st Lemur: I heard you had sex with that hot-looking NG
      photographer.
      2nd Lemur: Yes. It was great.

Shapiro's report cannot be accepted as absolute fact as Lemurs
have been known to use "ptang" and "frink" for many other situa-
tions besides those involving sex.  Hence the theory that eye
motions play a large role in determining what a Lemur means at any
given time.

-----------

(3) Are Lemur eyes really all that big?

Yes.  Lemurs come equipped with large, almost shining eyes which
are legendary for reflecting the light of campfires back at people
gathered in clearings with curious Lemurs in the nearby trees.
Lemurs are said to have "googly" eyes which are used in communica-
tion -- e.g. winking, rolling, staring, etc. in addition to spoken
words.  When a Lemur is around a good-looking Lemur of the oppo-
site sex, you can generally tell that the first Lemur finds the
second one attractive as the first Lemur will "get all googly and
stuff" (in the words of Chris Karluk).

-----------

(4) What do Lemurs do when the weather turns cold?

Word has it that Lemurs travel via subways and steam tunnels when
the weather turns cold, "moving in" with friendly humans, thereby
assured of a warm dwelling place and lots of Big K grape soda for
the duration of the winter.

Apparently the humans they move in with are persuaded to share
their living quarters with some Lemurs if the Lemurs let their
"hosts"  use their blaster pistols now and then.  "Negotiations"
with the invading Lemurs can be interesting, as this exchange of
messages in a recent case shows:

      *  The humans said that the Lemurs could come by if they
         promised not to annoy the neighbors, play the stereo too
         loud, hog the computers and modem, use laserdisks as
         frisbees, or swing from the kitchen light.

      *  The Lemurs countered by asking if they could jump up and
         down on the bed.  Their representative said that he  
         couldn't guarantee all the above, but that they MUST be
         allowed to jump on the bed, or else they would come over
         anyway and do anything they want.  Furthermore, swinging
         from the kitchen light is something that all Lemurs
         instinctively love doing.   Would the humans object if they
         brought their own kitchen lights to attach to the kitchen
         ceiling?

      *  Sighing, the humans assented provided that the Lemurs
         either promise to repaint the kitchen walls afterwards or
         wear flip-flops.

      *  The Lemurs agreed and moved in.

-----------

(5) What do Lemurs like to eat?

Legend has it that Lemurs love junk food.  Specifically Hostess
Twinkies, but also such things as generic snack cakes, cookies,
deviled eggs, pigs-in-a-blanket, squirt cheese on crackers, etc.
In other words, your average Lemur would be very content raiding
the hors d'oeuvres line at a cheap wedding reception.  Rumor has
it that Lemurs occasionally fall victim to strange cravings, such
as chocolate cakes with cherry pie filling and whipped cream on
top... and sauerkraut!  Sauerkraut on everything!!!  Let's not
explore this subject any further.

Lemurs like to eat.  This they do well: it's not uncommon for a
Lemur to devour the entire contents of a candy machine in under
ten hours.  (Lemurs often can squirm inside the machine via the
slots at the bottom, eat their fill, and then have trouble getting
back out.  vending machine repairmen often find engorged Lemurs
sitting in a pile of Mounds bar wrappers looking woeful.  The
Lemurs are usually deported back to the Duke University primate
home.)  Lemurs are nothing if not pragmatic.  A vending machine
full of Mars bars down the hall from the office they've taken over
is greatly preferred to one a few buildings away that contains
Twinkies.  Besides, those machines are usually long since cleaned
out by those few Lemurs who do forage afar.

-----------

(6) Who is Nigel the Lemur?

Nigel the Lemur is the only lemur known to have internet access.
Nigel's email address is nlemur@vtucs.cc.vt.edu.  Nigel was first
heard of escaping from the Duke University Primate Center in
Durham, North Carolina.  He made his way north to Blacksburg,
Virginia and presently makes his home there, freeloading off
various humans and making periodic appearances on
alt.folklore.urban.

-----------

(7) Who is Rudolpho the Christmas Lemur?

Rudolpho the Christmas Lemur is said to have stowed away on
Santa's sleigh during a stopover in Madagascar one Christmas.
Upon finding the hapless Lemur shivering in the back of the sleigh
after returning to the North Pole, Santa named him "Rudolpho" and
adopted him into the North Pole community.  Rudolpho aided Santa
for a few Christmases, sneaking into houses and opening the
chimney flues when required so Santa could get in.  Eventually,
though, Rudolpho yielded to a kleptomaniac urge and began stealing
silverware... and jugs of Big K Grape Soda.  Santa reluctantly
discharged him on the spot, but Rudolpho has continued his irregu-
lar service nonetheless, breaking into houses and stealing the Big
K Grape Soda and opening any chimney flues that need to be opened.
If he should happen to be discovered, he flees by shaking up a
bottle of Big K Grape Soda, opening it, and jetting off over the
horizon.  (If he gets thirsty in mid-flight he pulls a loop, fills
a cup, and continues onwards.)

-----------

(8) Who are the other Lemurs?

In addition to Nigel and Rudolpho, various Lemurs have popped up
in the Lemur legends and lore: J. Arthur Lemur, the Lawyer Lemur;
Eddie the Lemur, who serves aboard a giant starship crewed mainly
by rodents; and of course the various hordes of Lemurs who pop up
here and there when least expected.

-----------

(9) What's the story about these Lemurs I occasionally see flying
past my window?

When you see a Lemur fly past your window, odds are that it was
one of the Lemurs trying out the new anti-grav packs they've
"borrowed" from the cows' ship. [We refer here to the Cow Ship
rumored to be hidden somewhere in the fields around Blacksburg,
Virginia, the ship that the ancestors of all cows traveled to this
planet in before losing the key and locking themselves out) The
anti-grav packs used to be horseshoe-mounted, with four to a cow.
But as individual units, they'll lift a Lemur quite nicely.  Of
course, they are programmed to accept verbal cow commands, so the
Lemurs have to "Moo" to fly with them.

Lemur hackers are at this very moment trying to reprogram the
anti-grav packs to accept commands in Lemur-ese, a job complicated
by the cows' practice of programming all their equipment with a
powerful Multiple-Object-Oriented (MOO) language.  The Lemur
hackers are attempting to install a highly technical form of
Lemur-ese: from what we hear, there are 3 separate words they're
trying to install for one command:

      * the first, or "prefrink", command, is the action (what the
      Lemur wants to happen)
      * the second, or "cofrink", command, is the recipient of the
      action (e.g., if the prefrink is "attack" [in Lemur-ese, of
      course], the cofrink would be, for example, Daniel
      Pawtowski, to pick a name at random)
      * the third word, or "postfrink", is similar to what in
      English we call an adverb.  Example, "fly Tulsa quickly"
      (translated from Lemur-ese).  Or, "attack employee nuclear."

-----------

(10) How come the Lemurs can get onto the cow starship when the
cows themselves can't get back in?

Lemurs are much smaller and more agile than the cows, so they've
managed to unbolt the grates over the intakes for the scramjets
and gain access to the ship's interior via the engineering
crawlways.  They love to sit up on the bridge, staring through the
windows at all the surrounding cows with their big eyes.  This, of
course, annoys the cows to no end.  Luckily for them, though, the
main systems cannot be activated by a Lemur, as they are keyed to
the security codes imbedded into the forward hooves of the Command
Cows.

The worrying thing is this: what happens if the Lemurs find a way
to hotwire the main weapons panels?  Without access to the power
systems the guns would only be at about one-tenth power but still,
that could toast a major city before you could say "heat wave."
The cows are just not up there when it comes to devious pranks
such as the Lemurs are known to excel at.  After all, our big-eyed
Lemurs are primates. And primates, as we all know, are the natural
leaders.  Look who's wearing the pants around THIS planet anyway.
Primates. Cows are more brute-force stand-around-and-be-bored-and-
chew-your-cud kinda creatures.  You'll never see anyone painting
pictures of bucolic herds of Lemurs chewing cud against a
hill-side and sunset backdrop.

-----------

(11) What's this I hear about a song called "Shock the Lemur?"

We have it on good authority that Peter Gabriel's smash hit "Shock
the Monkey" was originally titled "Shock the Lemur," but the
Lemurs that were going to be used in the video escaped and robbed
a local convenience store, making off with all of the Twinkies
(tm) and Yoo-Hoo (tm) and wounding the clerk with a Nutty Buddy
(tm).  They were last seen heading toward Las Vegas, presumably
drawn there by the sound of Wayne Newton's voice. Gabriel was
forced to acquire the more well-tempered monkeys instead, and the
rest is history.

-----------

(12) What is "Lemur-B-Gon"?

(paid advertisement for Lemur-B-Gon follows)

BEFORE: Vance Kochenderfer says: I'm getting C's where I should be
getting B's or better..  I'm just sick of school in general. Of
course, the Lemurs banging on my window keep me awake at night, so
I'm not as alert as I should be...

AFTER CALLING Lemur-B-GON: Ever since I called Lemur-B-Gon, I have
had no problems with Lemur infestations.  Now they just bang on
the window and whine and try to get in, but they'll never get in.
Never.  Even if they are armed with dynamite and blasting caps.
Lemur-B-Gon has LemurPROOFED (tm) my home.

Lemurs bugging you?  Call Lemur-B-Gon at 1-800-LMR-B-GON.  Guaran-
teed to work or your Twinkies back!

-----------

(13) Does Lemur-B-Gon _work_?

>From what we hear, they do good work.  Vance Kochenderfer had to
call Lemur-B-Gon when a bunch of the Lemurs were keeping him awake
at night beating on his windows trying to get him to let them in.
He knew better than to do that, as they would just have come
inside and made even more noise playing with the kitchen applianc-
es and asking him for his credit card number and expiration date
so they could order cubic zirconium jewelry off QVC and the Home
Shopping Network.  Fortunately, Lemur-B-Gon came quickly and took
care of the situation by bribing the Lemurs into the back of a
closed van with some Ben 'n' Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream (it's
banana ice cream with chocolate chunks).  The Lemurs were then
taken over to the local university library and released into the
photocopier area where they busied themselves making photocopies
of their body parts.

-----------

(14) What do I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock
where Lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?

Stay calm, give them what they want, and then go prepare defenses
for the next time. Keith Williams claims that Lemurs are deathly
afraid of empty Burger King bags.  In his words, "it's the '100%
Recycled' content of the paper.  Drives them nuts."  Thus, college
students who eat fast food a lot are probably safe from this kind of
thing happening.  If you encounted a Lemur roadblock, it'd probably
be a good idea to go get some empty Burger King bags and leave them
lying around on the floor of your car.

-----------

(15) Can you get Lemurs at governmental surplus property auctions?

At times, the question has come up as to whether you can purchase
used Lemurs at governmental surplus property auctions:  "Have they
been auctioning off Lemurs, too?!?  How much do they go for?!?
Are they nice, new Lemurs or old, used, worn-out Lemurs? And do
they also sell Lemur accessories?"  And so forth.

The best answer we have is this:  Yes, you can occasionally get
Lemurs at surplus auctions.  Mostly they're the Lemurs that
governments bought expecting that the new governmental Lemur
specifications would be written in such-and-so a way and when it
turned out that the first thing new governments do after reaching
office was to toss out the Lemur specifications that had been left
for implementation by the outgoing administrations.  Thus, govern-
ments are left with a bunch of Lemurs that had been bought under
the old Lemur specifications.  It's kinda like investing in a lot
of TRS-80's ten years ago on the expectation that TRS-80's would
be the standard.  There are a lot of high schools sitting around
with TRS-80's even as we speak.  So yes, many governments do have
all these Lemurs that, while completely serviceable, are nowhere
close to meeting official State specs and thus, they're going for
a song.  All the accessories and support materials, too.  Quite
often, the Lemurs have never even been unpacked; they've been
sitting in a warehouse getting fed three times a day for the last
three years until a government gets around to selling them.

-----------

(16) What is the "Lemurcon equation"?

D. Harmon writes:

You may have heard of a type of graph called a limacon, which is a
graphed from the function r=a+b*cosh or r=a+b*sinh.  What you
probably haven't heard of is another similar type of function
called a Lemurcon.  This function is the equation l=e(mu*r),
where l is the length of the radius, r is a constant which has
several different values for each value of mu, and mu is the
independent variable.

For example, the graph of one type of Lemurcon equation would look
like this:

                                  l

                                  |
                                  |
                                  |
                        * *       |       * *
                       *   * * * *|* * * *    *
                        *         |         *
                       *          |          *
                       *     *    |    *     *
                   - - -*- - - - - - - - - -*- - - -  mu
                         *        |        *
                           *     *|*     *
                             *    |    *
                               * *|* *
                                * * *
                                  |
                                  |
                                  |

Since the discovery of Lemurcon equation is fairly recent, there
is an opportunity to immortalize your name in history by discover-
ing other graphs of the Lemurcon equation.  :)

-----------

(17) What should I do if I meet a Lemur?

Mike Kohlhaa asks,

      On the off chance that I should see a Lemur here in
      Indiana, how should the Lemur be approached?  If I
      offer him food and beer will he be friendly?  Should I
      call the zoo?  Might he join me in a game of
      hacky-sack?  I guess I'm just wondering what type of
      temperament Lemurs have.  Are they laid-back and
      fun-loving, or are they always on edge?

Vance Kochenderfer replies,

      You should be okay if you offer him a Twinkie [tm].
      Whatever you do, DO NOT say "frink" because you'll
      probably get the inflection wrong, and anger the
      Lemur.  In general, though, I think Lemurs avoid
      Indiana as much as possible.  They have an incredible
      fear of dumb ex-Vice Presidents.

Joel Furr chimes in,

      The Lemur may surprise you by approaching _you_ before
      you can approach _it_.  Chances of this happening are
      greatly increased should you be carrying one of the
      following with you:
            1) Twinkies
            2) Big K Grape Soda
            3) Pictures of attractive Lemurs of the opposite
            sex
            4) A ceiling light... especially the kind that
            hangs by a chain.
      Lemurs should NOT be given beer.  Lemurs are generally mean
      drunks.  They're much friendlier when they're on a sugar
      high.

Encountering a Lemur is an unusual, but by no means risky happen-
stance.  With a little luck, a Lemur encountered in a park will
likely become a close friend and will stick with you through thick
and thin, or at least as long as the Twinkies hold out.

-----------

(18) Were there Lemurs in Star Trek (tm)?

Yes. As it happens, the T in James T. Kirk stands for "Tanan-
arivo," the capital of Madagascar.  Madagascar is home, of course,
to 99% of the world supply of Lemurs, and as we all know, Gene
Roddenberry was a huge Lemur fan.  However, the producers wouldn't
let him incorporate Lemurs into the cast because they were afraid
that the clever, cunning little primates would somehow find a way
to make the phasers, tricorders, and photon torpedoes actually
*work*.  Plus, in shooting of the pilot, "The Cafe," you can see
Lemurs swinging by overhead on the restaurant lights during the
scene in which Pike gets the Talosians to pick up the check.  This
was not a situation which Desilu wanted to see happen again so all
Lemurs were banned from future shootings of the show.

This was mentioned in Roddenberry's re-release of the reconstruct-
ed pilot.  (From the black-and-white footage + what they used on
the TOS two-parter).  As Roddenberry climbs into the transporter
room at the end of the video, he says "For us, no Lemurs".  Most
people just ASSUME that he's saying "For us, no LIMITS".  (And we
ALL know that when you assume you make an ASS out of U and ME.)
So this PROVES the Lemur theory which, from now on will be abbre-
viated TLT (The Lemur Theory) or maybe TLP (The Lemur Proof) or
maybe even TLL (The Lemur Law) or just TLTTLPTLL for short).

-----------

(19) Is it unusual to dream about Lemurs?

Henry Sanford Gibbons writes:

      I had a strange dream the other night, in which my
      girlfriend and I were in the middle of the Mojave
      Desert surrounded by giant man-eating Lemurs.  I
      thought it quite remarkable at the time, so I was
      wondering if net-land had any comments about this
      rather disconcerting image.

Vance Kochenderfer replies,

      I had the strangest dream last night.  I dreamed I was
      transformed into a giant man-eating Lemur, and I was
      out in the Mojave Desert, and there were these two
      people there, a man and a woman, whom I did not know.
      And then I ate them.

Draw your own conclusions.

-----------

(20) How do Lemurs get into the USA?

Vance Kochenderfer and Joel Furr run blackmarket Lemurs through
the Port of New York three times yearly.  In Joel Furr's words,
"we disguise them as Hungarian piccolo players and put dark shades
on them and we usually don't get caught."  Furr adds, "but then
there was that time the customs people had that big box of
Twinkies sitting next to the gate..."

-----------

(21) Are Lemurs controlling the minds of alt.folklore.urban
readers, forcing them to insert the word "Lemur" into the keywords
lines of their posts?

Yes.

-----------

(22) How can you keep your local Lemurs entertained?

Here's a suggestion from Dave Budd:

      Go to your nearest zoo.  Stand in front of the Lemurs.
      Juggle.  They will be fascinated by this action, but
      it's a waste of time trying to teach them how to do
      it.  The big cats quite like it as well, but they're
      not so impressed when you drop.

-----------

(23) Have Lemurs appeared in any court cases?

Just one that we've found so far:

      In United States v Buettner-Janusch (1980, SD NY) 500
      F Supp 1285, affd on other grounds (CA2 NY) 646 F2d
      759, cert den 454 US 830, 70 L Ed 2d 107, 102 S Ct
      126--a prosecution for possession of methaqualone with
      intent to distribute in violation of 21 USCS @
      841(a)(1), based on six plastic jars containing meth-
      aqualone in various stages of purification, which were
      seized from the defendant's laboratory during a gov-
      ernment search--the court held the evidence more than
      sufficient to sustain the guilty verdict and denied
      the defendant's motion for judgment of acquittal or a
      new trial.  The court noted that the defendant and his
      co-conspirators, who allegedly were involved in  Lemur
      research, had purchased enough raw material to make
      sufficient methaqualone to drug all the  Lemurs in the
      United States and keep them in a perpetual state of
      euphoria...

-----------

(24) How do monkeys compare with Lemurs?

A quote from Rev. John (C521832@MIZZOU1.missouri.edu):

      Lemurs! I used to be a volunteer at the zoo in Mem-
      phis. They had an island there (well, a small hillock
      surrounded by water) on which a number of monkeys were
      kept -- hence, Monkey Island.  The monkeys had a
      tendency to escape, however; at one point numerous
      ones did so and fled the zoo. Most were caught climb-
      ing up the side of a tall apartment complex across the
      street.  After this, the zoo replaced the monkeys with
      Lemurs, who were much less inclined to escape.  As a
      volunteer, I and my co-workers spent many lunch breaks
      watching the Lemurs running about the little island in
      their trademark loping gait.  We coined a simple verb
      to describe their action : "leeming", or "to leem,"
      which is to run about like a Lemur.

-----------

(25) Can Lemurs in zoos escape?

The answer comes from S. Mudgett:

      The last time I went to the zoo, all we did to the
      Lemurs was give them apple chunks.  the baby Lemurs
      were small enough to leave the cages by squeezing
      between the bars, and came out to visit. A zookeeper
      told us they didn't have any cages that a baby Lemur
      couldn't get out of.

Further data comes from Torsten Wesley Adair:

      When the Lied (Indoor) Jungle opened at the Henry
      Dorley Zoo last April, the Lemurs discovered a way to
      exit the "jungle" and sit outside on the roof.  This
      was corrected, but they still have the run of the
      place, I believe.  I have never been approached by
      one, but I have been introduced to an Iguana.

-----------

(26) What do Lemurs in zoos like to eat?

Another quote from Rev. John (C521832@MIZZOU1.missouri.edu):

      We never fed the Lemurs twinkies, or threw them food
      for that matter. As I recall they ate Purina Monkey
      Chow or some such ... plus some fruits I think that
      the keepers gave them.  At other parts of the zoo we
      sold carrots and stuff for llamas, bears, and other
      such critters. But not for Lemurs. For all I know they
      would have happily gnawed on Burl Ives records.

-----------

(27) If you feed the Lemurs, what's likely to happen?

Siobhan Harper explains:

      I begged them not to tell the keeper, and they agreed,
      as long as I kept bringing them fruit. Then it esca-
      lated -- they began demanding cigarettes, jewelry,
      expensive electronics, and 18-year-old Scotch. They
      threatened to expose me to the primate keeper when I
      couldn't afford their demands anymore, and that's when
      I changed my name, moved to Seattle, and took a job at
      Microsoft. Somehow, they found out my phone number,
      though, and every once in a while, I get a call late
      in the night. My heart leaps into my throat when I
      hear that soft "Whooo, whooo" on the other end, know-
      ing it's only a matter of time until they catch up
      with me.

-----------

(28) Is it wise to publicly express a fondness for Lemurs over the
Internet?

After Joel Furr said "I'd like to hug a Lemur," Robert O'Brien
spoke up:

      Careful!  The ones that sometimes hang around my patio
      and read the screen thru the window and over my shoul-
      der were here again tonight, and after your message
      scrolled by I heard them making chattering type noises
      for a while, then they all took off toward the phone
      lines - they *may* know how to track down your ad-
      dress.

-----------

(29) What's that "Joey the Lemur, Friend of Mankind" song they did
on Mystery Science Theatre 3000?

                          JOEY THE LEMUR

Tom Servo:        It's Joey the Lemur, the friend to Mankind, our
                  furry sort of monkey friend who really does
                  shine

Joel:             It's Joey the Lemur, he's really fun to have
                  around to huggle and to talk to and fun fun fun
                  [note: Joel appears to be whacked out on goof-
                  balls, we couldn't get a better translation than
                  this.]

Crow:             Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere, Joey the
                  Lemur, what kind of heck of animal is he any-
                  way?!  Uh... Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal
                  that would go to the bathroom anywhere.

Joel:             Wait a minute, hold it!

Crow:             Huh?  There's more!

Joel:             This is the Lemur.  Native to the Philippines
                  and Madagascar, uh... and fictional planets like
                  Nova.  He is a clean, gregarious, and good pet.

Joey the Lemur:   You said it, pal!  Oh boy, pal of mine, you're
                  the one for me!

Tom Servo:        Uh oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine!

Joey the Lemur:   Can it, fireplug!  I've had enough out of you!

Tom Servo:        Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks!

Joey the Lemur:   I've got a story to tell! Oh boy, will I ever,
                  I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried of the
                  animal world, I don't mind telling you.  You
                  know, I'm the clown prince of the primate world
                  who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpan-
                  zee.  But don't make any mistake, I'm not saying
                  anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren,
                  only that I wish.... here's wishing they'd throw
                  a little more work our way, alright?

Crow:             Lemur, the Lemur, L-E-M-U-R.

Joey the Lemur:   Hey, who's this bird-dog-thing, I don't like
                  him!

Tom Servo:        L is for Lemur!

Joey the Lemur:   L is for Lemur, 'nuff said!

Crow:             E is for EAT!

Joey the Lemur:   E is for eat.  I eat four times my own weight in
                  nuts and berries, which has its consequences,
                  but go figure!

Crow:             M is for MONKEY!

Joey the Lemur:   Monkey.  I'm often mistaken for a monkey.  It
                  goes with the turf, let's go!

Tom Servo:        U is for UNUSUAL!

Crow:             And UNPREDICTABLE!

Joey the Lemur:   Unpredictable is right!  I once took a whiz on
                  Johnny Carson's sportcoat-- I don't panel well.
                  Okay, on with the show!

Tom Servo:        R is for RADICAL!

Crow:             And RAMBUNCTIOUS!

Joey the Lemur:   Randy as a jackrabbit, that's me alright!
                  Whoooooo!

Tom Servo:        Yes, it's the splendiferous Lemur....

Crow:             ...friend to all Mankind!

Joey the Lemur:   Please consider me as a possible corporate sym-
                  bol or mascot suitable and fine for any profes-
                  sional or semi-professional sport team.

Crow & Tom Servo: It's the

Crow:             magnificent

Tom Servo:        splendiferous

Crow & Tom Servo: LEEEMURRR!!

Joey the Lemur:   I, the Lemur, beg you to consider me.  I am
                  willing to travel and would make an excellent
                  companion for any elderly or unelderly elderly
                  person.  Gentlemen, please consider me.  Thank
                  you.  Thank you, thank you.

-----------

(30) Would it be a good idea to give a Lemur a toolbox for his or
her birthday?  Are Lemurs vocationally skilled?

No.  As Ryan Franklin notes:

      I do know that it's a bad idea to give a Lemur a
      toolbox for his or her birthday.  Oh yeah, they're
      really grateful and they thank you profusely for days
      (mainly by not soiling the carpet), but then one
      morning you'll wake up and find that same
      oh-so-grateful Lemur making "just a few improvements"
      on your car's engine, with about a dozen
      grease-stained parts of your transmission lying out on
      the driveway.  Wonderful species, nice opposable
      thumbs, but absolutely NO mechanical aptitude whatso-
      ever.  Definitely not the auto repairmen of the pri-
      mate world.

Alt.fan.lemurs has heard differing opinions on this question,
though.  One guy said his car got 100 miles to the gallon after
this happened to him and he never missed the leftover parts, but
for some reason the radio would only play Radio Antananarivo.
Another guy, cursing loudly, said that the car smelled of caramel-
ized sugar for weeks after the Lemurs had their way with it.
Finally he took it to a garage and found that the Lemurs had left
some half-eaten Twinkies inside the trans-mission case (said
Twinkies now being extremely inedible, as opposed to slightly
inedible).

On the other hand, well over 80% of the Lemur population can get a
job as a locksmith or as a window washer, according to a recent
article in Barron's.  This brings them up to #3 on the "Most in
Demand" list for the major primate families.  Unfortunately, few
Lemurs appear to want those jobs, perhaps because they can get all
the food they need from nearby vending machines and/or used record
stores.

Locksmithing would appeal to Lemurs if they stopped to _think_
about it since a locksmith-trained Lemur would be hell on wheels
in the vending machine world.  Who'd need being able to wriggle
into the machine if you could just pop it open and swipe _every-
thing_ in one swell foop?

Window washing, on the other hand, does not appeal to the Lemurs
of our acquaintance.  Neither Rudolpho nor Nigel expressed any
interest in washing windows.  They see windows as necessary evils,
shutting out the natural breezes but keeping in the warmth here in
countries that aren't warm year-round.

-----------

(31) What are Lemurs' tails used for?

An excellent question.

Ryan Franklin asked:

      Incidentally, can anyone tell me if a Lemur's tail is
      partially prehensile?  Able to hook on to a branch or
      ceiling lamp and help stabilize them while they climb
      and swing and cavort joyfully in the air?  I know they
      have to keep them up in the air while leeming (or else
      trip themselves), but I was wondering if there was
      some sort of purpose to their tail other than looking
      nice.

Joel Furr responded:

      As far as I can tell from this book I checked out called
      "Lemurs And You," Lemur tails are not prehensile.  Instead
      they use their little paws to cling to things that need
      clinging to... ceiling lamps, Cindy Crawford, Twinkies,
      etc...

Ryan responded:

      Hm.  Then, apart from looking really nice, what purpose do
      their tails serve?  They seem to be rather inconvenient
      whilst leeming, as I mentioned before, and even something as
      simple as being able to use it as a way of stabilizing
      themselves when climbing or clinging would go a long way
      towards explaining this prosimian puzzle.

David A. Boulton provided the answer:

      I don't know about Joey, Rudolpho, and other urban,
      twinkie-addicted Lemurs, but in the wild Lemur tails have at
      least two purposes that I am aware of.

      As you guessed, one use is for keeping their balance, sort
      of like a high-wire walker using a pole. Lemurs (even with
      those nice opposable thumbs) aren't very good at construct-
      ing balance poles, so they use their tails to swish around,
      maintain balance, and prevent their crashing to the ground.
      Most Lemurs greatly appreciate not crashing to the ground,
      (not to mention its Darwinian survival value) and over time
      they evolved large, bushy tails with extra good swishing
      capability.

      The other reason to have a very long tail is for inter-Lemur
      communications while leeming across the ground. Lemurs
      generally live in social groups. They watch out for one
      another, and have an advantage against predators if the
      group stays together. Some act as look-outs while others
      feed, and so on. When feeding on the ground, especially
      while moving through tall grass, it's easy to get lost from
      the group. A long tail acts as a sort of flagpole. You stick
      your tail in the air, and silently say "Yo! I'm a Lemur, I'm
      over here, stay with me, and everything will be cool". The
      absence of Lemur tails in your general vicinity would tell
      you that you had better leem your butt back to the rest of
      the troop.

      This is why ringtails have rings on their tails. It makes
      them more visible. There is also a theory that the black and
      white coloration works on the same principle as zebra
      stripes. Dazzle whatever is chasing you with a sea of bounc-
      ing/leeming Lemur tails, and maybe he'll miss -- or at least
      maybe he will miss *you*.

      Also, and most important of all, Lemur tails look *really*
      nice.

-----------

(32) Are Robert O'Brien's local Lemurs up to something?

Robert O'Brien states:

      I'm really not very good at interpreting what little commu-
      nication they (the ones that hang out on my patio some
      nights while I'm logged in) deign to give me, but the way I
      understand it, the Lemurs are really the natives, *we* are
      the aliens (rejects, left here by the dominant species on
      our home-world who were tired of all the *whining*) and the
      Lemurs have been trying all this time to reactivate the
      cows' ship and program it to send *us* back, or just about
      anywhere.  But the cover story will be at least as good as
      the Douglas Adams "B Ark" story, so most of us will be very
      happy to go...

      Hmm, I thought they were gone, and it'd be safe to
      type this, but they're back now, and clearly doing
      what passes for a Lemur laugh, so I guess I've been
      taken in again...  one born every minute ...

You be the judge.

-----------

(33) Why do Lemurs spend so much time trying to get their mitts on
credit cards?

Never give a Lemur a credit card.  A checkbook is bad enough, to
be honest, but they go seriously wild with credit cards.  Not only
do baby Lemurs covet them (they open cages like magic if you know
how to use them), but they allow you to buy brand-new Burl Ives
records in quantity off of late-night TV commercials.

-----------

(34) Where can I find .GIFs of Lemurs?

The anonymous FTP site at wuarchive.wustl.edu has some.

-----------

(35) What's this I hear about a 900 number for Lemurs?

An ad posted by Daniel Pawtowski reads, "To listen to the exciting
call of the wild Lemur, simply call 1-900-465-3687 (that's
1-900-GO-Lemur) for only $4.95 for the first minute, 15.95 each
additional minute.  Major credit cards accepted.  Adults only, no
chimpanzees, please."

Alt.fan.Lemurs does not vouch for the veracity of this ad.

-----------

(36) Can thinking about Lemurs have positive benefits?

A quote from Douglas Adams' work _So Long and Thanks For All The
Fish_ gives us some hints:

      [Arthur Dent] tried not to think about the ground,
      what an extraordinarily big thing it was and how much
      it would hurt him if it decided to stop hanging there
      and suddenly fell on him.  He tried to think nice
      thoughts about Lemurs instead, which was exactly the
      right thing to do because he couldn't at that moment
      remember precisely what a Lemur was, if it was one of
      those things that sweep in great majestic herds across
      the plains of wherever it was or if that was wilde-
      beests, so it was a tricky kind of thing to think nice
      thoughts about without simply resorting to an icky
      sort of general well-disposedness toward things, and
      all this kept his mind well occupied while his body
      tried to adjust to the fact that it wasn't touching
      anything.

-----------

(37) Who are the alt.fan.Lemurs Very Important People?

The following individuals are honored herein for their contribu-
tions to alt.fan.lemurs.  If we left anyone out, please let us
know!  [This section is under revision.  If your name does not 
appear here, it may be in the process of being added.]

Elizabeth Abrams                            diamond@acpub.duke.edu
Torsten Adair                             torsten@cwis.unomaha.edu
Heather Akin                                  hakin@willamette.edu
Dave Archer                              dmarcher@acsu.buffalo.edu
Kim Ballard                            ballardk@mace.cc.purdue.edu
Pat Barron                                 Pat_Barron@transarc.com
Dale Bass                           crb7q@kelvin.seas.Virginia.EDU
Jennifer Bennett                        felicity@infopls.chi.il.us
Greg Bole                             bole@hmivax.humgen.upenn.edu
David Boulton                                   boulton@netcom.com
Dave Budd                                    zlsiida@fs1.mcc.ac.uk
Jack Campin                                 jack@dcs.glasgow.ac.uk
Aileen Cho                                     ac@cheshire.oxy.edu
Jason Corley                     corleyj@argon.gas.uug.arizona.edu
Stephen Foskett                                 lancer@wpi.WPI.EDU
Ryan Franklin                  franklir@helium.gas.uug.arizona.edu
Joel Furr                               jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
Henry Gibbons                            hsgibbon@unix.amherst.edu
Siobhan Harper                               siobhan@microsoft.com
Mike Hoffman                          meh@math33.sma.usna.navy.mil
Herb Huston                                huston@access.digex.com
Ron Jarrell                               jarrell@vtserf.cc.vt.edu
Rev. John                             C521832@MIZZOU1.missouri.edu
Aaron Johnson                               afj9838@rigel.tamu.edu
Rachel Kadel                         rachel@phsbbs.princeton.nj.us
Vance Kochenderfer                          vkochend@nyx.cs.du.edu
Mike Kohlhaa                       mkohlhaa@silver.ucs.indiana.edu
Holly Larson                                  hl26+@andrew.cmu.edu
Nigel Lemur                                 nlemur@vtucs.cc.vt.edu
Ann Lindstrom                                          ann@plx.com
Bill Marcum                                  bmarcum@world.std.com
Jonathan Mark                                   jonm@microsoft.com
Michael Moncur                                   mgm@world.std.com
Keith Morgan                               kamorgan@athena.mit.edu
Greg Morrow                                   morrow@fnal.fnal.gov
Robert O'Brien                                   obrien@netcom.com
Daniel Pawtowski                       daniel@polaris.async.vt.edu
Rachel Perkins                       rperkins@astro.as.arizona.edu
Todd Perry                               todd@polaris.async.vt.edu
Bill Sellers                                   wis@liverpool.ac.uk
Diana Senechal                         SENDIAA@YaleVM.YCC.Yale.Edu
Dave Sisson                                  daves@vtucs.cc.vt.edu
Nancy VonStein                        nvonstein@memstvx1.memst.edu

------------------------------------------------------------------

Prepared January 31, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
Revised February 15, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu




From: jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu (Joel Furr)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs,rec.humor,sci.bio,talk.politics.animals,alt.folklore.urban,alt.fan.furry,talk.answers,rec.answers,sci.answers,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 2 of 3, Duke University Primate Center)
Summary: This posting contains useful information about the Duke University Primate Center.
Date: 15 Feb 93 08:03:33 GMT

Archive-name: lemur-faq/part2
Last-modified: 1993/02/15
Version: 1.0

    Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
          Part 2 of 3  -- Duke University Primate Center

This section of the FAQ deals with the Duke University Primate
Center, the largest population of Lemurs outside their native island
of Madagascar.

------------------------------

                           The Questions


(1) What IS the Duke University Primate Center?
(2) What programs take place at DUPC?  What animals live there?
(3) What other programs take place at DUPC?
(4) Can I donate money to DUPC?
(5) How do I go about arranging a tour of the Primate Center?
(6) What is the mailing address of the Duke University Primate
    Center?

------------------------------

                            The Answers

(1) What IS the Duke University Primate Center?

    The Duke University Primate Center (DUPC) began in 1958 as
    the Center for Prosimian Biology at Yale University.  In
    1966, the Yale colony was relocated to North Carolina and
    moved into its present buildings in 1968.  

    From 1968 to 1973, Dr. John Buettner-Janusch served as
    Director and research was oriented toward behavior, genet-
    ics, and biochemistry. The colony grew to about 250 animals
    representing 10 species during this time.  Several interim
    Directors served from 1973 to 1977.  

    In 1977, Dr. Elwyn L. Simons became the Director.  He
    expanded the scope of research to include conservation and
    the study of fossils.  He also increased the educational
    opportunities and training for both undergraduate and
    graduate students.  Under his leadership the colony grew to
    more than 700 animals representing 33 species and subspe-
    cies.  Recent years have seen the overall size of the colony
    decrease to the current 540 animals representing 29 species
    and subspecies (see below).

    On May 15, 1991, Dr. Kenneth E. Glander became the Director
    of the DUPC and Dr. Simons took on the role of Scientific
    Director.  As Scientific Director, Simons will concentrate
    on teaching, research, and the management of the Center's
    collaborative programs with Madagascar.  Glander intends to
    build the Primate Center's programs around the issue of
    biological diversity.  He will also expand the environmental
    education opportunities to include primary and secondary
    school science teachers.

    Education of the public is equally important for the future
    of these endangered primates.  Outreach programs aimed at
    increasing environmental awareness of elementary and
    secondary school children could be developed and disseminat-
    ed via a public exhibit hall and classroom space which would
    be built outside the gates of the Center to prevent disrup-
    tion of the captive breeding and conservation programs.  The
    pavilion area would serve as a staging area for tours of the
    animal colony and presentation areas for exhibits as well as
    providing modest office space for staff and volunteers
    involved in educational and promotional activities.

    One of the missions of the Primate Center is to assist in
    international efforts to prevent the extinction of
    Madagascar's most endangered primates.  The Primate Center
    accomplishes this through:

        * behavioral and ecological research 
        * international conservation programs
        * in-country training programs
        * captive breeding

    The Center is funded by the National Science Foundation,
    Duke University, and private donations.

------------------------------

(2) What programs take place at DUPC?  What animals live there?

    The DUPC primate collection consists only of prosimians. 
    There are three groups of living prosimians:
        * the lemurs of Madagascar
        * the lorises and galagos of Asia and Africa
        * the tarsiers of certain East Asian islands

    The majority of the animals housed in the DUPC colony are
    lemurs from Madagascar.  Lemurs have lived isolated on their
    island home located off the southeast coast of Africa for
    more than 50 million years.

    In recent years the forests of Madagascar, once teeming with
    lemurs, have been reduced by more than 90% as a result of
    increased human population pressure.  Lemur populations in
    the wild are rapidly declining.  As human population
    expands, increased need of food causes intensified hunting
    of lemurs.  Also, the lemurs' habitat is destroyed by
    agricultural "slash and burn" practices.  The result is that
    many lemur species are threatened with extinction.

    A principal objective of the Primate Center continues to be
    the captive breeding of endangered prosimians.  In order to
    achieve that goal, efforts are being made to reduce the size
    of the Primate Center's colony so that it can better utilize
    the limited resources by concentrating on the most highly
    endangered species.  

    In 1987, World Wildlife International announced that the
    Malagasy lemurs are the most gravely endangered group of
    primates in the world.  Following this declaration, special-
    ists from Madagascar, Europe, and America met and agreed
    that the genetic diversity of the following 10 prosimians
    was the most severely threatened:

*   1) the Lake Alaotra bamboo lemur (Hapalemur griseus alaotrensis)
  + 2) the golden bamboo lemur (Hapalemur aureus)
    3) the greater bamboo lemur (Hapalemur simus)
*   4) the blue-eyed lemur (Lemur macaco flavifrons)
* + 5) the red-ruffed lemur (Varecia variegata rubra)
* + 6) the aye-aye (Daubentonia madagascarensis)
    7) the crowned sifaka (Propithecus verreauxi coronatus)
* + 8) the golden-crowned sifaka (Propithecus tattersalli)
  + 9) the diademed sifaka (Propithecus diadema)
*  10) the mongoose lemur (Lemur mongoz)

    The DUPC currently holds six of these species (Nos. 1, 4, 5,
    6, 8, 10) as indicated by asterixes.

    The Center's current captive breeding efforts are focused on
    saving 5 of these 10 most endangered species of lemurs,
    (Nos. 2, 5, 6, 8, 9) as indicated by plus signs.  The plight
    of these species is characterized by the fact that there are
    probably fewer than 100 golden bamboo lemurs left in the
    wild.  This is an emergency situation if DUPC is to preserve
    the biological diversity necessary for a viable captive
    breeding program.  The aye-aye may be in similar difficulty. 
    The choice of these five species is not haphazard but rather
    based on the fact that the Primate Center has successfully
    maintained and bred closely related species and the fact
    that the need for preserving genetic diversity in these five
    species appears to be greatest.

    The Primate Center has both diurnal (day-time active) and
    nocturnal (nighttime active) prosimians.

    Diurnal animals are housed in outdoor runs or in Natural
    Habitat Enclosures encompassing large tracts of the Duke
    Forest.  All animals housed outdoors have heated winter
    sleeping quarters.  These enclosures are vital for future
    planned reintroduction of the lemurs to their native
    habitats.  Here, animals have the opportunity to learn how
    to find their own food, avoid predation, and roam in
    sufficient space to form natural social groupings.  65 acres
    of rich Duke Forest habitat offer a unique opportunity for
    study in a natural setting.

    A new Nocturnal Animal Building houses most of the
    night-time active prosimians.  This recent addition to the
    Center was designed to control lighting, humidity, and
    temperature, critical for the well-being of these animals.

    Approximately 85% of the DUPC colony is captive-bred.  No
    other zoo or institution has successfully bred so many
    different prosimian species.

------------------------------

(3) What other programs take place at DUPC?

    Fossils:

        Another important and unique aspect of the Primate
        Center is its collection of fossil primates representing
        prosimians, monkeys, apes, and other mammals.  The
        collection consists of more than 10,000 fossils ranging
        in age from less than 1,000 years to more than 60
        million years old.

        Housing both living and fossil primates in the same
        center is significant because the surviving prosimians
        are often called  "living fossils," providing clues
        about the Earth's past environments.

    International extension programs in Madagascar:    

        DUPC promotes international relations and cooperation
        through research, education, and conservation programs. 
        Primate Center staff are assisting the Malagasy govern-
        ment to reopen Parc Ivoloina as a zoological and
        botanical conservation center.  The joint goal of the
        park project is to increase the Malagasy people's
        awareness of the importance of conservation through
        education, thereby making the native population cogni-
        zant of the unique flora and fauna of their island.  

------------------------------

(4) Can I donate money to DUPC?

    Donations are gratefully accepted by the Duke University
    Primate Center.  The address to send them to is DUPC, 3705
    Erwin Road, Durham NC 27705.  If you like, ask them to put
    you on their mailing list and send you their newsletter.

------------------------------

(5) How do I go about arranging a tour of the Primate Center?

    The Primate Center is located at 3705 Erwin Road, Durham,
    North Carolina.  Durham is found on any road map of North
    Carolina, and you can buy a Durham street map when you get
    there.

    Admission costs to the Primate Center are as follows:

                    Adult      $5.00
     Child (12 and under)      $2.50
           Senior Citizen      $2.50
             Duke student      $3.00

    The Primate Center is open Monday through Friday 8:30 a.m.
    to 5:00 p.m., and Saturdays from 8:30 a.m. to noon.  You
    can't just show up; you MUST make an appointment.  The
    number to call is (919) 489-3364.

------------------------------

(6) What is the mailing address of the Duke University Primate
Center?

    Duke University Primate Center
    3705 Erwin Road
    Durham, NC 27705
    (919) 684-2535 or (919) 489-3364

------------------------------------------------------------------
This section of the FAQ adapted from publications of DUPC.
Revised February 15, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu




From: jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu (Joel Furr)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs,rec.humor,rec.arts.poems,talk.politics.animals,alt.folklore.urban,alt.fan.furry,alt.non.sequitur,talk.answers,rec.answers,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 1 of 3, Lemur Poetry)
Summary: This posting contains the Lemur Poetry archive.
Date: 15 Feb 93 09:12:42 GMT


    Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
                    Part 3 of 3  -- Lemur Poetry

This posting contains the "Lemur Poetry" archive, sorted by author.

------------------------------

                           The Questions

(1) What lemur poetry has Vance Kochenderfer written?
(2) What lemur poetry has Aileen Cho written?
(3) What lemur poetry has Greg Morrow written?
(4) What lemur poetry has Nancy VonStein written?
(5) What lemur poetry has Diana Senechal written?
(6) What lemur poetry has "d." written?
(7) What lemur poetry has Greg Bole written?
(8) What lemur poetry has "The Amazing Immolating Man" written?
(9) What lemur poetry has Rachel Perkins written?
(10) What lemur poetry has Sean Barrett written?

------------------------------

                            The Answers


(1) What lemur poetry has Vance Kochenderfer written?

Vance, an engineering student at Virginia Tech, has written many
lemur-oriented works of poetry, contained herein:

    Ode To A Lemur

    Lemur, Lemur, burning bright
    In the forests of the night
    Staring out with your huge eyes
    At the Madagascar skies
    Old World primate though you are
    I bet you could drive a car
    Better than most blondes I know
    They don't have foxlike muzzles, though
    Or any kind of tail to see
    But yours are long and bushy, gee
    I wish that I could be like you
    And live in the jungle canopy too
    Alas, I am an AOE*
    And Fortran, Fortran calls to me
    'Twill make me rage, and make me curse
    So now I terminate my verse.

    * Vance is an undergraduate at Virginia Tech in Aerospace
    and Ocean Engineering (AOE))


    springtime in antananarivo

             lemur
          fuzzy lemur
        warm fuzzy lemur
    warm big-eyed fuzzy lemur
          fuzzy fuzzy
          lemur lemur
             frink.


    The Prosimian Question

    Lemurs everywhere
    Out in the jungle, staring
    What do they look for?


    Lemurick No.1

    There once was a lemur named Nigel
    Who met with a cow who's from Rigel
    They got bean burritos
    Proceeded to eat those
    And spent the next day taking Di-Gel.


    Reflections

    I stared into a lemur's eyes
    And wondered of what lay within
    Is he troubled by inner strife,
    by thoughts of good and sin?
    
    When lemurs talk (if they do talk)
    What is it they discuss?
    The jungle?  Food?  Philosophy?
    Or do they wonder about us?
    
    I looked-- I hoped for a reply
    To link man's past with his new plight
    He only gave what seemed a smile,
    And swung upon my ceiling light.

Send comments/criticism to vkochend@nyx.cs.du.edu (Vance
Kochenderfer).

------------------------------

(2) What lemur poetry has Aileen Cho written?

Aileen Cho seems to be a particularly passionate Lemur-inspired poet
and writer. Her first appearance in alt.fan.lemurs consisted of the
following:

    I was a ring-tailed Lemur. I sat in the sun. I ate with my
    eyes to the sky. I chewed my haunch.  The other two Lemurs
    abused me. I was a loner. I sat on the branch and watched
    that funny-looking biped through the chain-link fence who
    sat there watching me and muttering something about a zoo
    exercise for acting class. I got the strangest feeling that
    she thought she was me. I hiccuped. Then it was feeding
    time.

She followed up with:

    In honor of my favorite Lemur at the LA zoo,

    Hiccup my way, oh ragged-hide Lemur
    Show me your ring-tail, you suntanning dreamer
    Your owlish visage full of Sartre-esque woe
    Is cuter than many a primate I know
    Curl on your perch as I murmur good night,
    Sleep well, and don't let the zookeeper bite

Aileen says:

    Ahhhhhh, if I demonstrate any flashes of literary inspira-
    tion it is indeed, irrevocably and undeniably due to my
    welling affection and tender dotage upon said Lemur in the
    LA Zoo...forever will I mourn that I was not born a female
    Lemur...I will never know his name, but his intense gaze,
    his thoughtful pose as he stared at a helicopter overhead,
    chewing on his apple, his quirky hiccup, the way he earnest-
    ly chewed on the fur of his Lemur's femur...forever will my
    Lemur-oriented writings be created with Le Mur in my mind.

Her latest work follows:

    I asked my lemur associates what they thought about the
    recent display of lemur verse.  My particular friend, Lemur
    the Loner, raised his bespectacles eyes up to the sky and
    yawned, proceeding to stuff another cracker down his mouth
    and chewing with jaws agape..  Another Lemur, named LeMar,
    jumped up into the corner and curled up into an adorabble
    furry ball as a response to my query.
  
    I climbed the chain-link fence
    to ask the lemur prophet
    If life is just a tree,
    and when do we get off it?
    Though curled up in a ball,
    He raised his furry head
    And blinked -- his jaw fell open
    To speak -- but yawned instead
    But then he leaped on down,
    To sit upon the ground,
    Arms outspread, to praise the sun
    And when his tanning time was done
    This lemur sage, without a blink
    Said to me, "My friend, go....frink."

Send comments/criticism to ac@cheshire.oxy.edu (Aileen Cho).

------------------------------


(3) What lemur poetry has Greg Morrow written?

    Lemur in summer
    Trailing Twinkies through the trees
    Suddenly, a "Frink!"

    Ringtail rascal sits,
    Prosimian pondering.
    Below, a leaf falls.

Send comments/criticism to MORROW@FNAL.FNAL.GOV (Greg Morrow).

------------------------------

(4) What lemur poetry has Nancy VonStein written?

In response to the question "How much wood would a lemur chuck if a
lemur could chuck wood?", Nancy wrote:

    A lemur would not chuck wood - even if he could.
    He'd sit and frink & sit and frink
    And let the woodchuck chuck the wood.

Send comments/criticms to nvonstein@memstvx1.memst.edu (Nancy
VonStein).

------------------------------

(5) What lemur poetry has Diana Senechal written?

    A Poem About The Lemur, From Whom All Good Things Come
    
    A gleam of eye. A Madagascar barren
    steppe, ogled by the clusters of flaring
    balls bouncing, sprinkled through eons. Rustles
    of grass. The furry scoundrel lights his way
    of mischief. In his eyes we see the caves.
    His skin ripples. Aplay, he kindles dreams.
    Sometimes he sends me gleanings of the dreams.
    
    Leaping,
    the cornfields leap,
    cackling,
    the sky plays tricks,
    hiding,
    the sunrise schemes,
    gliding,
    I ride
    the scarlet breeze, 
    and hide in similes.
    
    The lemur took me on a walk.
    The walk led me to this place and date.
    The walk has not ended.
    I have never seen these places before.
    
    Too far away to know by his fingers,
    the little beast sends semblances, tokens,
    wrapped in obscurity. We all have guardian lemurs;
    each one brings different gifts. Each secret gift,
    a fuzzy slinky, bounces down the steppes
    into the room where broken glass,
    melted by real torches,
    blown into real glimmering twisty hollows,
    delights your eyes, lights you a maze,
    as twists of colored glass were meant to do.

Send comments/criticism to sendiaa@yalevm.ycc.yale.edu (Diana
Senechal).

------------------------------

(6) What lemur poetry has "d." written?

I'm a fan of lemurs, and the lemurs, they like me.
We live together swinging by the kitchen light so free.
And if I ever broke my friendship with them in anger or in haste,
It would probably be cos' I'm so curious about how a lemur tastes.

Send comments/criticisms to page@cerdic.cs.odu.edu ("d.")

------------------------------

(7) What lemur poetry has Greg Bole written?

    Leaping lemur,
    how you love to launch loosely,
    looping through the leaves.
    You land looking lively,
    living for your little levitations.

Send comments/criticisms to bole@hmivax.humgen.upenn.edu (Greg Bole)

------------------------------

(8) What lemur poetry has "The Amazing Immolating Man" written?

    "The Lemur"
    
    I am a lemur
    And I leem and I leem
    I leem through Madagascar's treetops
    I see the Twinkies come out of the sky
    Yeah, they're bright in a vending machine
    You know it looks so good tonight
    
    I am a lemur
    I stay in the trees
    I look through my window so bright
    I see the stars come out tonight
    You see my bright and glowing eyes
    Over Madagascar in the trees
    And everything looks good tonight
    
    Frinkin' cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep-cheep-cheep cheep
    Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep-cheep-cheep cheep
    Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep-cheep-cheep cheep cheep-cheep
    
    Get me a Twinkie
    We'll be lemurs
    We'll leem through Madagascar tonight
    See Madagascar's Twinkie supply
    We'll see our large and glowing eyes
    We'll see the stars that shine so brigh
    These Twinkies were made for us tonight
    
    Oh the lemur
    How how he leems
    Oh the lemur
    He leems and he leems
    He leems through the grassland
    What does he see?
    He sees with big reflective eyes
    He see the stars come out tonight
    He sees Madagascar's Twinkie supply
    He sees the shining treetop skies
    And everything was made for you and me
    All of it was made for you and me
    'cause it just belongs to you and me
    So let's take a leem and see what's mine
    
    Frinking...
    
    Oh, the lemur
    He leems and he leems
    He sees things from in the trees
    He looks through his great big eyes
    He sees the Twinkies he knows are his
    He sees the National Geographic photographer
    He sees Madagascar asleep at night
    He sees the stars are out tonight
    And all of it is yours and mine
    And all of it is yours and mine
    Oh, let's leem and leem and leem and leem...
    
    Frinking...

Send comments/criticisms to mute@ramanujan.WPI.EDU (The Amazing
Immolating Man)

------------------------------

(9) What lemur poetry has Rachel Perkins written?

The following poem was inspired by Rachel's lemur finger-puppet.

    lemur lemur on my finger,
    to me you're a contentment bringer,
    with you i can frink and swing
    on lampshades, also now in lemur sing.

Send comments/criticisms to rperkins@astro.as.arizona.edu (Rachel J.
Perkins).

------------------------------

(10) What lemur poetry has Sean Barrett written?

    lemur in the tree
    eye bigger than camera lens
    frink frink frink frink frink

Send comments/criticisms to sbar@genie.geis.com (Sean Barrett).


------------------------------------------------------------------
Revised February 15, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu