Best Quotes from Samir's Shattered World Campaign

In case you're wondering what this is about, an old friend Samir ran a Rolemaster campaign called The Shattered World. This was a very complex and difficult game, partially because of the myriad details that had to be addressed, and partially because Samir is a very good (albeit demanding) Referee. We won't go into his qualifications, just consider that he's been doing this for over 20 years.

Unfortunately, the last game we played was in September of 1997, and Samir has not (to my knowledge) run the last two games that would finish the story. *shrug*

Because of the gamers and the situations we got into, obviously we engaged in a lot of frivolity. Standard disclaimers apply. Here are some of the best samples:

Cast of players:
Game ref: Samir
Name Class Race Specialty Concept Status Player
Stu Delay Mage Valley Elf sarcasm fantasy casting fireballs Rob
Bethany ? Changeling high dice rolls fantasy swordless Pat
Elisabeth Martial Artist Hobbit foot in mouth fantasy meditating April
Amagor Fighter Human drawing fire fantasy "We're the last hope of all creation? May the Light forgive us."
Wondering about retirement benefits with Chaos
Memnock Fighter Human/Mole digging fantasy lost in 1936 when forgotten by party members, grandson came back as villian in 2020 Mark
Chance Sage Human believing the word of evil gods, holding back important news fantasy turned on by party member, rescued by Snake God Karen
Steelsinger Bard Human singing fantasy killed in 1936 during demon/dragon battle at a train station Kammy
Duragan Alchemist Dwarf tinkering fantasy enchanting things like mad Karen
Jade Martial Artist Human surprising the party 1930 pulp hero meditating Melanie
Maggie Brown Healer Human Pilot, Doctor, Captain 1930 pulp hero Lead, follow, or get the hell out of her way Hillary
Sabastion Montoya Hero (James Bond style) Human Spy, diplomat, War hero 1930 pulp hero "End of the world around the corner? I suppose it is a formal affair. Where is my good suit?"
killed in 2020 during space shuttle landing
Dukoth thief dwarf looking in (someone else's) pockets Fantasy "Chaos? Mayhem? That's nice. (yawn)"
Is your wallet still there?
Siralos fighter Dwarf Multi-personality Fantasy One moment he is building intricate traps the next he can't pronounce his nouns any newcomer
Maxine Adventurer Elf Lost 1930 pulp hero "Oh, I'm an elf. (Psst! Trevor, whats an elf?)" Angela
Delany Astrologist Human rolling eyes toward the sky Fantasy This group is going to save the world? Someone's god is really having a belly laugh! Let me out of this world! Nicolé
Trevor Fighter/Pilot Human Wanna a coke cola? We made them really good in 1936! 1936 pulp hero Killed while deactivating orbital Launch platform year 2020 Dave
Bexial Archer Elf These dice really make you see things in a new perspective. Why be goodie two-shoes all the time? Want to roll them? Fantasy Eaten by T-rex while being fried after hit by a spell from Stu Andrew
Fabiola Fighter Human Albino, whiner extraordinare, arsonist (with 50 points in fire building no less) Fantasy Decapitated by samuri guard for being really rude David
Narsala Healer Human Faints at the sight of blood (Four times while healing Stu) Fantasy "Pardon me, I'll just be in the corner here . . . . "
Crushed by crystal statue
Marisa Crystal mage Elf So what if they are evil/monsters If they like elves they can't all be bad. Right? Fantasy "The train is going how fast? No problem, I'll just crawl along outside."
Killed in resistance ambush 1936

Samir to Rob: What are you doing?
Rob to Samir: Casting Fireball.
Samir to me: What are you doing?
Me to Samir: Duck and cover!

Karen's Sage character, Chance (whom nobody seemed to like for some reason, although we like Karen) had just struck a deal with a Snake God. Our reaction:
She sold her soul to a minor deity . . .
She sold her soul to a minor deity . . .

Don't seduce him now, he's flying the plane! -Karen

April, at the beginning of the game, had been a little confused at the possibilities inherent in having a Wish. She wished for horses for the party. Well, they WERE the best damned horses you ever wanted to see. She learned from this lesson a little later when she said:
At least I didn't wish for horses!

I took control of a "thief" (please note the quotation marks) because one of the players didn't show up again. Here is my reaction to playing this character on several occasions:

Okay, he's not a thief. He's just an idiot!

Me: How many times has civilization risen, only to fall to barbarism over and over again?
Mel: You mean, since the men took over?

We were deep in discussion about the nature of time and possible effects of changing the past/future/etc. Suddenly, in the middle we hear April burst out with: "I am buff ugly!"
There was a brief pause while we caught our breath.

That which does not kill us makes us stranger. -Rob

It was pointed out to me that a brief explanation is needed before we go on.

This is obviously a quick-witted group, and puns fly fast and furious. I introduced the concept of "pun damage," which is simply retaliation to a worthy pun. To demonstrate pun damage, we throw marshmallows at each other. This has increasingly become escalated to full-out marshmallow wars. Use of the skill "yado" (See: Rolemaster Companion for details; in this case, several members of the group have personally developed the skill to catch or deflect incoming fire) has become invaluable. Hence, the multitude of marshallow quotes to follow.

You stuck the last one down her pants!
Shortly later . . . .
That's NOT a marshmallow! -Karen

Me: O thou of little faith. Wherefore didst thou doubt?
Samir: I have great faith -- it's just not aimed at you.

Mages don't DO First Aid. -Rob

While searching for a target to deposit messages via a time machine:
She's not there. Do it to the Mage! -Me

After observing the party's position relative to a horde of demons just entering the room, Rob's only comment was:
I'd like to congratulate the party for not standing between the Mage and the demons!

While preparing an Area Effect Ice spell in the same encounter:
We're going to ball the demons! -Rob

After going to a LOT of trouble to find out something of no immediate use to us . . .
Rob: We sold our Fate Points to minor deities . . .
We sold our Fate Points to minor deities . . .
Karen: At least I got a tail out of mine!

During a lull in the Shattered World Campaign, I was asked to run a Shadowrun module. Here is a brief excerpt:
Me: Do you have a name for your group?
Samir: How about the Screaming Weasels?
Pause for laughter
Me: Your group motto is: Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!

While discussing the application of a hypothetical spell best described as Polymorph Other Clothing:
Nice Mu-Mu, Mr. Johnson! -Rob

Pat: A good god came, a bad god came and it was all a mess . . . .
Hillary: And nobody wanted to sleep in the wet spot!

After casting Light on a Tyrannysaurus Rex's nose:
Rudolph the Red-Nosed T-Rex! -Rob and I in unison

Sung like a Sesame Street song:
One of these monks is not the same/One of these monks is not like the rest. . . .

After hitting me in the groin with a thrown pen:
He got the point. -Blair

My response while assisting Mel with her Perception bonus:
You get a plus -- oh my god . . . .

I'll feel great when the pain stops. -Rob

Blair's daughter: Daddy, how do you get stunned?
Pause for laughter.
Samir: (With a raised fist) Like this . . . .

Sweep and Throw, and if that doesn't work, Vacuum! -Blair

Samir: You are in the year 2020...
Drew: So tell us: were the Christians right?

I'm good with this stuff -- I'm kinda honest. -April

Everyone take a shot . . . NOT AT ME!

I was knocked over by a marshmallow!

She's putting marshmallows in secret places on the GM. -Rob

I don't believe in athiesm. -Drew

Our collective agreement regarding April's tendency to put her foot in her mouth in character:
We should have put her in stasis.

Samir, in character for one of the NPCs:
Let's say, for argument's sake, you are these heros, wizards, whatever . . .
Drew chimes in with: Schizophrenics?

Jesus saves . . . passes to Moses . . . he shoots, he scores!
Um -- don't quote that. -Rob

Hey, watch the hands! It's just a marshmallow! -Karen

Karen: You have the rune to find information quickly in text.
Drew: The Yahoo! rune?

April: I am the official guardian of the marshmallow.
Brandon: You are the official guardian of the wet foot.

Note to myself: Rebecca to become famous . . . or infamous. No promises.

Pat, playing the beauteous Bethany, was interrogating her husband Rob, playing the manomaniacal Stu. They were both garbed in Mideval clothing (having been to the Renaissance Festival that day, and Pat's outfit showed a lot of cleavage. This was the result:
Pat: Exactly where did you get this serum?
There is a pause while it registers to everyone that Rob is staring at Pat's cleavage.
Rob: Um . . . what was that question again?

One of the classic scenes in the game was when Stu was confronted by a Nazi German guard and used the old Star Wars line about "You don't need to see his identification . . . "
This exchange was later heard between Rob and Hillary:

Rob (with appropriate hand gestures): You don't need to know that information.
Hillary (with the exact same gestures): Don't even try that shit on me.

April was asking a question about Pat's character in rock form: How much does a rock weigh?
Me: She weighs a little more than usual.
I suddenly realized I was the recipient of a female death glare.

Brandon, pointing to Rob: Is he a thinking being?
Me: We sometimes question that, ourselves.

Rob: The only person capable of breaking the Mage out of [an Alien Detention Center] is . . . the Mage.
Angela: A subtle sort of irony.

Samir: C'mere, Angela. I've got something for you.
Rob: In the Den?

Karen: As much as I hate to admit it, the Mage is kinda not dumb.
Rob: Thank you! Finally!

Samir (speaking as a one of the villians): "How many groups of time-travelling idiots are there?"
Karen: Just us . . . I hope.

April: A study has proved that when men have sex, they lose ten minutes from their lives.
Pat: Rob should be dead by now.
Rob: What can I say, I'm copulating on borrowed time.
April: He should borrow someone's who isn't getting any! [She glanced around at Samir. Samir acted surprised, which he was]
Brandon (April's boyfriend): He can borrow April's time.

No pissing contests in the house! -Rob

In a particularly intense encounter, The group was in a desending space shuttle trying to land in Africa. A flight of F-22G Sub Orbital Fighter Jets were tracking the shuttle and launching missile pods at the group.
Pat: Why are they attacking us?
Samir: Hmm... I don't know, let's guess on this . . . In the space of seventy-two hours, Cape Graham (formerly known as Cape Canavaral) was raided by persons unknown, the security chief disappeared, The Alien Detention Center was broken into, a shuttle was highjacked, Florida had a deadly biocontaminate spreading rampantly, and it appeared to originate from Cape Graham, then Florida got nuked from outer space and four Orbital Nuclear Platforms have stopped responding. A fifth one exploded, the L-5 Hilton/Space Station has moved from orbit and is now headed for deep space under radio silence, a giant alien space craft just crashed in what is known as Eastern Europe and the same highjacked shuttle is now attempting to land back on earth. I don't know why they are shooting at you.

Dennis (after hearing the latest installment of the adventure): This only goes to prove that evil will always win, because good is dumb.

You don't roll anything. You just pick up a pencil and record damage. - Samir

Me: I thought I was supposed to be able to fly!
April: You did. You flied the wrong way.

After Bethany shape-shifted into the form of a hawk, Rob's comment was:
Look at her! She's so upset, she's molting!

Rob: Ladies and gentlemen, she has switched feet again!
Karen: Want some schnapps with that?

We had almost found the last stone needed for a time travel ritual. Karen: How does it work?
Pat: You put them in a circle . . . [pause for dramatic emphasis . . . or something . . . ]
Me: . . . Click your heels together and say, there's no place like Rome, there's no place like Rome . . .

We had just discovered that the last stone we needed for the above mentioned ritual was in Cape Graham, which is now an irradiated mess. I was asking if someone could think of a plan to retrieve it safely. It was suggested that I come up with something if it was so important to me. My response:
I just kill people. I don't do things like work out radiation theory.

Brandon: Anything else we have to pick up in Virginia?
Karen: Space suits from the museum.
Rob [in an oddly Southern accent]: And a pot holder fer mah Mom. She collects those, ya know.

Me: We could put you in stasis, and if we fail, you'll never know it.
Mel: Wonderful.
Karen: Oh yeah, sign me up for two of those.

After a discussion of the long-range effects of a "fantasy" plague spreading across the world thanks to the efforts of the party:
Rob: Now you know where you come from.
Me: I thought it was when a Mommy and Daddy love each other.
Karen: My son's a genetic mutation, and I still love him!
Mel: That would explain my ex-husband.

Again, while discussing the genetically altering effects of the "fantasy" plague mentioned above, the following img came to mind:

A few moments later, it came to our attention that one of our party had fallen victim to the plague. She was our katana-bearing Chinese pulp hero, Jade. And she turned into . . .
A tiny, eighteen-inch tall pixie with a four-foot long katana.
I felt obliged to apologize profusely for the idea.

Me: You could turn into the supply shuttle?
Pat: You wouldn't fit.
Me: You say that to all the boys.

Val stood in for Hillary one night. Hillary had been playing a female doctor named Maggie. Remember how Jade got turned into an eighteen-inch tall pixie? Maggie got turned into a leprechaun. The character is not terribly happy about this.
Val: How much of my physical appearance has changed?
Me: You're now male.
Val: Oh.

Chuck: I'll be right behind you!
Rob: There will be none of that during this campaign! [Then muttered:] Damned dwarves always into that.

Me: I'm in favor of waiting for the commotion in the hallway to die down.
Rob: I'm in favor of casting a fireball into the hallway.
Val (Who had not been paying attention to our conversation): Remind me again how teleport works?

Me: Our suggestions thus far are waiting for the commotion to die down and increasing the commotion with a fireball.
Val: I'm in favor of increasing the commotion. I don't want to sit around for days.
Me: Becoming a leprechaun doesn't agree with you, does it?
Val: No.

Samir: What are you going to do next?
Val: Spit out the ranch dressing on this strawberry. Brittany booby-trapped her strawberries!

Samir: What are you doing?
Val: Heal the Mage.
Samir: Kill the Mage?
Rob's reaction was priceless.
Val: NO! HEAL the Mage!

Karen: I asked for a past member of the party to assist us, and Chance answered.
Rob: And the enemy drones went "Oh no! . . . Pop!" [Imitating the sound from the Lemmings video game.]

I'm saving up for my sex change! -Hilary

In discussing a rune of animal shapeshifting:
Mel: What, so I can turn into a squirrel?
Chuck: You'd be bigger!

Dress like a tree long enough, you start to think like one. -Rob

I have engaged the bees in hand-to-hand. -Me