TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETATCHED HEAD

20.  Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
19.  The ball in Parisis' Squares
18.  Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17.  Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
16.  Scare blind students in Braille class
15.  Prop open doors for maintainence crews
14.  Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
13.  Footstool for Captain's chair
12.  entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11.  Scare Alexander into doing chores
10.  Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
 9.  Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank
 8.  Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in
     research
 7.  Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
 6.  Two words:  tether ball
 5.  Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
 4.  Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
 3.  Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class
 2.  Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
     and the number one use for Data's detatched head...
 1.  Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life
     insurance policy


SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:

     1.  Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
     2.  Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium
         and tritanium.
     3.  Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without
         excessive thought first
     4.  More than one pair of Spock ears in junk drawer
     5.  Have figured out the stardate system
     6.  Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
     7.  Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
     8.  The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
     9.  Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The
         Omega Glory"
     10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
     11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
     12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
     13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
         Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
     14. Understanding Klingon
     15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
     16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
     17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and
          dramatic stylistics
     18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects
         sequences in ST:TMP
     19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
     20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers





The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:

 10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green
     Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
  9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
  8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
     Enterprise.
  7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon
     and torture you for information.
  6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and
     crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
  5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers
     of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
  4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't
     that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
  3) You have no life.
  2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
  1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you
     calculated for the planet Vulcan.


    TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
- - - - - ---------------------------------------------------------
10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
 9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
 8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
 7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
 6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
 5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
 4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
 3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
 2. "We brake for cubes!"
 1. "Wesley On Board!"


- - --------- Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:

- - ---------"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."
Second Best Bumpersticker:    "Hair color is irrelevent, you will have fun."
Third best:                   "Fun is irrelevent."



Top ten fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
- - - - - ----------------------------------------------------------
10. Playing Jimi Hendrix in the Holodeck while Geordi is there and using
    appropriate psychodelia on the walls to drive him crazy
 9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
 8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
 7. Giving Worf A nuggie
 6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just
    to anger them (haha, free pizza!)
 5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals
 4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-
    destruct sequence
 3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
 2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard
    Prince Albert In A Can
 1. Tribble sex!

20 Things that never happen in Star Trek**

 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
    encountered several times before.
 2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who
    are all perfectly alright.
 3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
 4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which
    later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny
    hat.
 5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for
    which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
    sick-bay.
 6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
    people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
    Directive.
 7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
    another without a serious incident.
 8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with
    the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
    bring the right leads.
 9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
    faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
    staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
    which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
    which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where
    everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon
    revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
    fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
    everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which
    is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
    and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
    obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
    themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
    Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
    git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
    for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not
    being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
    sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.


    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy
- - - - - -----------------------------------------------------------------
10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the
    forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
 9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees
    a shuttlecraft
 8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
 7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
 6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
    life-forms
 5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if
    Dick Hertz is there
 4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a
    REAL Picard Maneuver"
 3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral
    Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
 2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so"
 1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team
    beams back up


Top Ten Things That Can Go Wrong On The Enterprise
- - - - - --------------------------------------------------------
10. They fly into a wormhole while Wesley is trying to sneak a peek at
    Troi's cleavage.
 9. Due to a slight miscalculation by Wesley, they skim an inhabited
    planet's atmosphere, thereby destroying countless innocent lives
    and ruining the Enterprise's paint job.
 8. Romulans manage to smeak up on the Enterprise because Wesley had to
    shut down the sensors in order to play Tetris on the bridge.
 7. Replicators stoop working when Wesley tries to reprogram the
    Captain's chair into an ejector seat as a harmless practical joke.
 6. 62 crewmembers die when Wesley falls asleep while trying to
    work on a project involving a gamma-ray bomb.
 5. Wesley carelessly spills a can of pop onto the console, which
    causes the computer to sing "44 Googol Bottles of Beer on the Wall"
    over the ship's comm system.
 4. Trying to override the holodeck's "Parental Guidance" safeguard,
    Wesley instead causes the ship's Inertial Dampeners to randomly crush
    low-ranking officers.
 3. While trying to impress Ensign Lefler, Wesley orders the ship to do a
    180-degree turn at Warp 9.6, and the resulting massive forces
    knock over Riker's entire collection of Playbeing magazines.
 2. Wesley creates a static warp bubble which then encloses the warp
    engines, forcing the Enterprise to phone the nearest starbase for
    1012 space taxis.
 1. Drunk out of his mind, Wesley call Captain Picard "a bald moron" and is
    quickly rewarded by being demoted to the rank of Transporter Chief.



          Reasons Why Captain Janeway is Better Than Captain Picard

 1. One word: hair
 2. More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined! (10)
 3. Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
 4. Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
 5. Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
 6. Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.
 7. Voyager requires a woman as Captain. The ship needs a Captain willing to
    admit they're lost and pull over for directions. (1)
 8. Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way
    through. (2)
 9. Shoots a mean game of pool and doesn't quote Shakespeare when she wins.
    (2)
10. Looks better in sleepwear than Picard. (2)
11. Janeway gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
12. Isn't French with an English accent. (3)
13. Smart enough to have a Vulcan officer. (3)
14. Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience. (3)
15. Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to
    convince them to behave better. (4)
16. Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo. (4)
17. She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way. (4)
18. Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles. (5)
19. Ackowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying
    to weasle her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
20. 10 episodes and still hasn't surrendered the ship.
21. Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs.
    Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniouses who yet again take over
    the ship.
22. Janeway doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.(5)
23. Picard: Three words: Stretch velour jhodpurs (7)
    Janeway: Three words: Form fitting uniform (5)
24. Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood
    Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic! (based on 5 and 6)
25. Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt;
    Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television. (based
    on 5, 6, 7)
26. Doesn't force her crew to wear stupid outfits, unless it is to blend in
    with a primitive planet. (5)
27. She is smart enough not to waste time learning foreign languages. All
    lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
28. Her engineer does not wear a bananna clip over her eyes.
29. Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
30. Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank Goodness!).
31. Her Chief Medical Officer will NEVER command the ship.
32. Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone
    before" and took them to the extreme. (based on 5)
33. Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to
    a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of
    force".
34. Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail. (based on 5,6)
35. The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Worf
    could stomach. (9)
36. Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off. (9)
37. Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia. (10)
38. Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are
    YOU ever stupid. (10)