How To Make An Impact On A Man

WITH BEAUTY? NOT NECESSARILY. BRAINS? THEY GET DISCOVERED LATER. ANSWER: SECRET (SEXYISH) SIGNALS. YOU CAN DO IT TOO!

from Cosmopolitan magazine

What to Wear

• If your style of dress is cool and conservative, change it -- at least for out-of-the-office situations. Wear body-hugging styles, lots of jewelry, vivid eye makeup and lipstick. A lush style is a sexual signaler. [So is a neon sign off the freeway]
• When you go to parties, pin a fresh flower in your hair. That's how South Sea island girls signal their availability. [Stinkweed is an especially good sign.]
• Buy and wear tons of animal prints -- leopard-patterned pants, tiger-striped tops. You'll look feral. [For even more of a feral effect, speak in guttoral sounds, don't bathe for months, and relieve yourself as you please.]
• If you have good legs, wear a very tight short skirt and very high heels. Bend over with your back to a man (to pick something up or look in file drawer, etc.).[Guys just have this thing for the social graces of macaque monkeys]
• Leave the two middle buttons of your button-up-the-back blouse undone and ask him to please do you up. He'll see that you're wearing a skimpy black bra or no bra at all.[Important if he may want to borrow it someday]
• Let him know that you never wear underwear -- too confining. [Nothing could hold back those two metric tons comfortably anyway]
• Keep your hair long and lush. Ignore women friends who tell you short is chic. Men like an abundance of tresses. [Especially under the arms.]
• Always wear perfume. Find a scent that works for you and spray it on pulse points when you dress. [Mace is an aphrodisiac for some men.] Spritz a little now and then during the day.
• If you look good in a hat, wear one. Men love hats. [Especially welding masks.]
• Wear a fresh flower in the lapel of your conservative suit. [Conservative meaning leopard-patterned pants and tiger-striped tops.]
• Show plenty of back -- everybody knows your bosom is sexy, but a frock cut to the waist in back also has appeal. Learn to roll you shoulders elegantly. [Cracking knuckles also does the trick.]
• Wear angora, and if you have the chance, why not casually brush against his bare skin? [Especially when the senator gets out of the shower.]
• Red is a very sexy color -- as in red-hot. [Or as in Red Buttons.] A slinky red dress would do it. [Dressing in a red Slinky would do it too.] Or try something a little more subtle: [Like coming to work in Saran Wrap and saying, "Hello there, sailor boy."] Wear gorgeous red underwear, and show it "accidentally" -- your blouse is open a bit, so a man sees a peek of red lace bra ... You cross your legs and your skirt rides up to reveal a flash of red petticoat. [Also great training for bull fighters]
• Every woman seriously interested in attracting men should invest in a short black leather skirt and wear it with heels. [Perfect for funerals.] You won't need an outrageous, sexy top, the heels and leather say it all. [So does Budweiser.]
• Apply lipstick expertly, seductive, suggestively. [And in the dark.]

Sexy Behavior

• Catch a man's eye and then very deliberately look down at his crotch. This should be done with a playful look or smile [laughter helps], not as though you're about to put him through a meat grinder. He should feel deliciously flattered, not attacked.
• Immediately after you meet him -- within seconds -- touch him in some way, even if it's just to pick off imaginary lint. [Guys love women who pick at imaginary lint.] It tells him right away that you're physically aware of and interested in him. [And that you're feeling much better since your therapist committed suicide.]
• You can't be too sexy a dancer. Swing those hips and shake. [There's nothing more exciting to a man than watching a woman with hip dysplacia.]
• Run your fingers lightly over the man's knuckles. It will send sexy shivers up and down all around him. [Sending his cellmates in a tizzy.]
• Feel his muscles.
• Order an unordinary drink, like a kin or Compari and soda. [Ordering a WD-40 mixer will also appeal to his interest in home improvement.]
• Cross and uncross your legs a lot. As you do, slide them up and down a bit so he hears, very faintly, the sexy sound of nylon aganst nylon. [If he's hard of hearing, you may want to consider wearing burlap.]
• Try to act calm, even if you aren't; nothing is more appealing than a person with whom you feel relaxed. [Getting shitfaced and vomiting on his lap will help prove this effect.]
• Kick off your shoes so he can see your lovely feet [making sure to avoid hitting him with your footwear] -- lots of men have foot fetishes.
• Give the man a warm good-bye kiss (on the cheek) eventhough you've just met. [Exchanging medical records, however, is not advised at this point.]
• Kiss everyone -- even the women -- goodnight. European girls always do. [European girls also go easy on the deodorant, so follow their example.]

Talk Him Into Your Life

• Just after meeting a man, suggest that you find a table or quiet corner so that you can chat without distractions. [Distractions like your leopard-patterned pants and tiger-striped tops.]
• Ask him if he's ever considered being a model -- especially effective if the man isn't handsome. [Even more effective if he's a headless corpse.]
• Talk sexy -- or at least suggestive! ["Your shopping cart or mine?"]
• Whisper that you heard the most flattering comment about him (make something up), but say you can't possibly divulge the source. [i.e., your ass]
• Though you know him only casually, tell him you had a dream about him last night. Hint that it was wicked. [And the blood tests went off the scale.]
• Say something slightly inappropriate during business lunch or dinner, such as "You look great in blue." [Or "You look like my mom."] This should be done while you are talking about something else -- for example, " I was working on the Apex campaign, and did you know you look great in blue?" ["I was taking out the trash last night, and my how ravishingly you smell."] We don't know why, but men love this kind of thing.
• Tell a very, very funny joke (practice!) within his hearing. This takes research and perhaps a few rehearsals. A genuinely funny, entertaining woman [in leopard-patterned pants and tiger-striped tops] is a turn-on [if you have a thing for Peg Bundy]; the man figures he'll never be bored.
• Become a sports fanatic -- even if you loathe baseball and football. Become mistress of scads of sports data [I think I saw her once walking the streets in fishnet stockings outside Reno], and fake a passion that's bound to turn men on. [May as well start learning to fake early.]

Go for It!

• Drop your purse, a pile of papers, anything, as you pass his desk, then stoop down to gather it up. He'll help. Lean close to him, put your hand on his shoulder to steady your balance. [Only then do you plunge a knife into his chest.]
• Spill a glass of wine (water, whatever) down the front of your dress while talking to him. Ask for his handkerchief to mop it up. [If this doesn't attract his attention, set yourself on fire.]
• Share your umbrella with a man who forgot his.
• Brush up against somebody in the elevator, in a restaurant, on the street. [ANYBODY -- even those rancid guys who sleep in the park and yell out loud about voodoo economics at 3AM.] He may act as if he doesn't notice, but he'll love it.
• Send a bottle of wine to his table. [Preferrably Leonardo da Vino.]
• One woman, not knowing how to meet an attractive man she had spotted in a bar, handed him a note with her phone number that said, "I like your shoes. Call me." The phone was ringing when she got home. [Her dream date worked for Florsheim.]