GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- A FAMILY AFFAIR 4. 10/14/90 "A FAMILY AFFAIR" Ian Gurvitz / Dwayne Hickman Chris falls in love with Sharon's sister younger sister Charleene, who has just broken up with her boyfriend. They have a brief but torrid affair. Charleene ......... Blair Tefkin Morgan ............ Tommy Hinkley Ted ............... Larry Cedar Betty ............. Deborah Benson Usher ............. Timothy Davis-Reed POTTERS LIVING ROOM TED -- My kids they do the darndest things. I go upstairs last night and there's Tommy up there right? He's got on Betty's high heels. BETTY -- Mmm (smiles) TED -- So I look a little closer, he's got on lipstick and mascara. (laughs) These kids...they do the cutest craziest things. BETTY -- Mmm TED -- You're kids do that kinda stuff right? LARRY -- Well ah, yeah. I think once Bobby put on one of my sox by mistake. TED -- Yeah, yeah, yeah, ya see that's exactly the same kinda thing. (laugh stops) Oh crap. SHARON -- Charleene you listen to your big sister. Leaving that bone-head Morgan was the smartest thing you ever did. CHARLEENE -- Oh I don't know. He just just got to be a snooze. It's not like he did anything wrong I just don't think we're compatible. SHARON -- Well of course he did something wrong. You just don't know what it is yet. But I guarantee he did something because that's the way men are, and if you don't believe me you just read that book "Smart Women--All Men Are Dumb Bastards" or somthing like that. (Doorbell rings) CHRIS -- Hi Sharon. Hey, nice dress. I think I saw that one on the Home Shopping Network. They sold about four hundred of them in a minute. SHARON -- Chris! Let me put this just as delicately as I possibly can. Larry and I are having a dinner party. Get the hell out of here. CHRIS -- Jeeze..I'm sorry. Ugh (barges in) Hi folks, sorry I'm late. Ugh. I had a little trouble getting by Check Point Charley. So Sharon aren't you going to introduce me? SHARON -- Ted, Betty, an idiot. CHRIS -- Please excuse her, she's stinking drunk. I'm Chris Peterson and you're ah, Higgins aren't you? Yeah, I recognize you, you guys are on my route and hey you own me for three weeks. You know, I'm not one to bring up business at a social gathering but I would hate to see that show up on your credit report pal. CHARLEENE -- (enters) Hello. SLOW MOTION LOVE MONTAGE CHRIS -- Who is this ravishing, exquisite combination of...stuff? LARRY -- This is Sharon's sister, Charleene. CHRIS -- Larry that is the most vile, disgusting, filthy joke I've ever heard in my entire life. SHARON -- Chris, I am going to count ten and then... CHRIS -- Sharon, that may have impressed people when you were three but I think this is a little more sophisticated crowd here. So, Charleene how long are you going to be in town for? SHARON -- Chris, don't I hear your mother calling? Chris lives with his parents Charleene, which isn't too surprising considering he is a thirty year-old paperboy. CHRIS -- You know what I think you're sister's trying to do is make me look like an idiot but don't judge me until you know the facts. The truth is, I'm head paperboy and I do not live with my parents. I live in very cool bachelor pad which just happens to be over my parents garage. There, now I think I made your sister look rather foolish, didn't I? SHARON -- Could someone besides him please talk. TED -- Did ah, anybody hear that new George Winston CD it's, it's great... CHRIS -- So anyway, I had the weirdest dream last night. I'm in the supermarket in Brazil and I'm in the frozen foods section and for some reason the frozen turkeys are on sale. Now these aren't just the generic frozen turkeys these are the real ones, these are the "Butterballs." LARRY -- Chris, maybe this could wait? CHRIS -- Ba ba ba ba. So I squeeze one of them to find out if it's fresh or not and suddenly another one pops up and starts chasing me down the isle. (laughs) Which is pretty odd you know, to have a turkey with a knife chasing you down the isle. You know because usually we're the ones who are cutting up the turkeys. Well, that's just the first level. So, I run past the soup section over to the gun department. (time elapses) So I'm puking and puking up live fish. And some of the fish are trying to swim back up stream back into my mouth. BETTY -- Oh, for heaven's sake would you look at the time. SHARON -- But wait, you, you haven't even had dinner yet? LARRY -- Yeah, we have a wonderful....trout. (the Higgins's run out) SHARON -- Mmuh CHRIS -- Well that's okay, that just means there's more for us. My dreams always really make me hungry. Hey folks, don't forget that money. I'll be by your house tomorrow. Deadbeats. Boy, they certainly were an exciting pair, I think we're much better off without them. SHARON -- (pushes Chris out the door) I'm sorry about that Charleene honey. (Chris crawls up the trelise) LARRY -- Come on Sharon, he's not a bad guy. He's lonely. Okay he needs a little help with his social skills. CHARLEENE -- Really guys it wasn't so bad. It was kind of like spending an evening with Daffy Duck. SHARON -- If your stupid comes anywhere near my pure little baby sister again I will kill you and him, drag your lifeless bodies to a remote wooded area and bury you both in shallow graves. LARRY -- Honey, she's probably never going to see him again. CHRIS -- Hey kids, hi. (laughs) We've got a little announcement to make. Charleene and I have a date tomorrow. MOVIE THEATER CHRIS -- 'Kay here we go. Here's popcorn for Larry, red vines for Charleene and Sharon, here's your Nachos with mustard, hot fudge sauce and extra butter. SHARON -- I asked for "Raisonettes" Chris. CHRIS -- Oh, I'm sorry you must have slurred your speech. I didn't quite catch that. Larry, isn't Charleene just the most perfect woman you've met in your life? I mean, was Sharon just keeing her under wraps until you guys got married? And then went you finally met her didn't you want to just blow your brains out or something? (laughs) (Tall people sit right in front of Chris and Charleene) CHARLEENE -- I hate it when people do that. It's so rude. There's plenty of other seats in the theater. CHRIS -- Yeah, I know what you mean. Allright honey, let me show you a little trick that goes back to Queen Victoria, watch this. (Chris leans between the couple) Ugh, guleh, ugh, oooh. God I feel sick. oogh oooh ooo . ( The couple leaves) Just a little insurance policy to make sure we don't have anymore inconsiderate neighbors. (Chris removes his shoes and rests his feet on the seats in front of them) SHARON -- Charming, isn't he? CHARLEENE -- Well, I do have an unobstructed view now. SHARON -- Charleene, I can't believe you can't see what an idiot this guy is. I wi... CHRIS -- Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Please, the newsreels about to begin. (French movie begins) CHRIS -- Hey sound, sound. Check your speed, it doesn't make any sense. THEATERGOERS -- Shhhhhhhhh! LARRY -- Chris, it's a French movie with subtitles. CHRIS -- Well Larry, they're just talking baby-talk up there. May mehjeh mojeh maylehjeh mehje ziz zujz zuh. What's the name of this movie "Let's All Talk Baby Talk" or something? (laughs) USHER -- Sir, could you please talk your feet down and be quiet? CHRIS -- Excuse me Mr. Adolph Eichman. I happen to have to sit this way for medical reasons. At home I use nothing but a contour chair and there are none provided here, hence my reclining demeanor. USHER -- Allright. You're outta here, wiseass. (beckons a crowd of ushers who drag Chris out and beat him with their flashlights) CHRIS -- Hey, what the...? Hey, hey! What..ow...oo....jeez...ow..what..oh! CHARLEENE -- They're beating the hell out of him. Shouldn't we help him? SHARON -- No. POTTER LIVING ROOM LARRY -- Sharon will you get over it already? They only had one date. SHARON -- It was just that he was with her, breathing the same general air, getting his disgusting "Chris microbes" all over her. LARRY -- I know but you saw what happened last night. He didn't make a great impression. They'll probably never see each other again. SHARON -- (walks into bedroom see Chris and Charleene naked in bed) AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaah!!!! CHRIS -- Is there a problem Sharon? CHARLEENE -- I'm sorry, we we're expecting you home and the bed in the guest room is a single. CHRIS -- Charleene, Sharon's the one who should be apologizing. She just screamed over the part where Jack Klugman tells the results of the autopsy. SHARON -- Chris, Charleene out. Larry, burn the bed. CHRIS -- Okay Sharon, but I warn you. I'm not wearing underpants. SHARON -- Chris, stay where you are. Charleene out. Larry, burn the bed. CHRIS -- Sharon, I don't know what you're so upset about. You sister said it was okay. In fact she said it was incredible. Now, I won't go into that. That would be distasteful. SHARON -- I'm going to wash my eyes out with soap. CHRIS -- Ah Larry, Larry, would you give us a few moments? We'd like to cuddle. (they giggle) PETERSON KITCHEN CHRIS -- Mom, Dad? I think I've just met the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. FRED -- Oh no, he's found another stray dog. CHRIS -- For your information, it's a woman. The most beautiful woman in the whole wide world. And who knows, we might even get married. GLADYS -- Well, getting married is a big responsibility, dear. CHRIS -- I know ma. And I know if it ever comes to that my lifestyle would probably have to change. F'rinstance I'd probably have to take another street on my route. FRED -- Well Chris if you do wind up getting married and you need a little extra help getting started just remember, and this comes right from the heart, son--we're on a fixed income. CHRIS -- You know I know the two of you probably think I'm just childishly infatuated but ,I've honestly never felt this way about a person before. And besides the sex is incredible. FRED -- Chris, we're very grateful and flattered that you feel close enough to share this with us and that we're close enough to talk about these things but, let's not--EVER. GLADYS -- That's right son, we just don't appreciate that kind of filth-talk in our house. CHRIS -- I love you guys. POTTER LIVING ROOM CHRIS -- Goodmorning Larry. Goodmorning Sis. SHARON -- God, he doesn't even knock anymore. CHRIS -- Well why should I knock? we're practically family. And you know in my family, when someone comes through the door-- we hug. (Hugs Larry then Sharon) Uh huh. eh mmm mm(laughs) SHARON -- Oh. oh oh. Think of something nice. Think of something nice, kittens, a grassy field, flowers. CHRIS -- There, isn't that better? Now, where's Charleene. I'm supposed to take her to the mall and then ah...then ah...heh heh heh heh etc. SHARON -- Charleene moved to China, got hit by a truck and was cremated. CHRIS -- I see. So in your own colorful way you're telling me that Charleene is upstairs right now, making herself pretty for me. That's fine. I'll just make myself at home and wait right here. Oh ugh. Oh boy, we are going to make a great family. By the way, turkey-wise, I'm a dark meat man. And ah, around Christmastime I'm about a twenty-eight waist and about a forty inseam. And at Yom Kippor your all invited over to my place for a big blow-out of a fast. (laughs) SHARON -- You know I'm starting to understand why there are so many suicides around the holidays. CHRIS -- You know Sharon, I am starting to sense a little sarcasm from you. Now I want you to know that I am having the relationship of my life with your sister. And that's very moving to me. For instance the other day we were at the lake and ....(laughs) hmm well. CHARLEENE -- CHRIS! CHRIS -- Charleene. (They embrace and kiss passionately) SHARON -- (smashes a porceline knic knac) I'm sorry but the hose wouldn't reach in here. CHARLEENE -- Sharon, will you take it easy? I know what I am doing. SHARON -- Maybe you don't know what you're doing. Now this whole thing could be explained by a small aneurysm. It's just... CHARLEENE -- But I'm fine. He's spontaneous, he's unpredictable and he's taught me that "Benny Hill" can be funny in small doses. SHARON -- Would it really hurt to see a doctor? Or better yet a deprogrammer? CHARLEENE -- Chris, maybe you're right, she is sort of a major..... CHRIS -- Yeah, no kidding. (laughs) SHARON -- What? What did he been say about me? CHRIS -- Oh nothing Sharon. That's privileged information--lovers' secrets. Come on Charleene, let's go to the Mall and ah, and then ah (laughs) CHARLEENE -- (laughs) (They leave) SHARON -- We've got to do something about this. LARRY -- No Sharon. SHARON -- What? Excuse me, have just entered a parallel universe where you disagree with me? LARRY -- I just think that Chris and Charleene have the right to date who they want to date. I mean sure Chris is a kind of gas-head idiot and gets on people's nerves. But the point is he has rights and as his friend I have to stand up for these rights. So I support this relationship. And I think if you're a decent person, you'll do the same. SHARON -- You know.....you're right. LARRY -- What was that? SHARON -- You're right. My sister should be able to choose her own boyfriend. LARRY -- I don't believe it. I really had an effect on you. SHARON -- (dials phone) Hello Morgan? This is Sharon. Charleene's sister? Well I, I'm just calling because... You know I think Charleene misses you. LATER CHRIS -- (laughs) SHARON -- Well hi you two. How was your day? CHRIS -- Oh pretty good, until we ran out of condoms. SHARON -- How charming. It's like living in a Noal Coward play. Oh Morgan? MORGAN -- Charleene. CHARLEENE -- Morgan, what are you doing here? MORGAN -- Well I thought that ah....I mean you're sister said... CHRIS -- Ah excuse me. Could somebody please introduce me to Jethro? CHARLEENE -- This is Morgan Bolger my ex-boyfriend. SHARON -- Oh no come Charleene, let's introduce him properly. This Morgan, former-all-pro-quarterback-now-partner-in-one-of-the-largest-contracting-firms -in-the-state-Bolger. CHRIS -- Oh my. Well hi. I'm Chris, who-cares-because-Charleene-obviously-likes-me-a-lot-better-Peterson. Nice to meet you. CHARLEENE -- Morgan, I can't believe you're here. CHRIS -- You heard the lady. Why don't you run along? MORGAN -- Hey pal, stay outta this okay? CHRIS -- Listen Mr. Big shot-Donald Trump-Knute Rockney-Green Hornet. You may think you're a big deal with your fast cars and your fancy jewelry and your Ham Radios. But I bet you can't do this. Arf, arf, arf, arf. Mm hm. MORGAN -- I'm sorry Charleene. It's my fault that you had to turn to idiots for companionship. CHRIS -- I'm sorry that you had to turn to turn to companions for idiotship..ness. See the old reversal...(Morgan pins Chris's neck against the wall) CHARLEENE -- Morgan stop it. What is it with you? How many necks are you gong to snap in my honor? CHRIS -- Morgan. I swear. I'm giving you three seconds and then so help me god, I'm gonna scream like a woman. CHARLEENE -- Morgan, drop him. MORGAN -- Okay. CHRIS -- Ah hoe. Ah hoe. Listen friend, if I've lost any range in my singing voice whatsoever, you're going to have to answer to one p. o.-ed church choir. MORGAN -- I'm sorry Charleene. Well it's just that when you're sister called and said that maybe you wanted to get back together again. CHARLEENE -- Morgan look, I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression and were cruelly and evil-ly mislead, but our relationship is over. MORGAN -- I know that. No, I, I was fine with that. I never would have drove all the way over here if she didn't call it's a four-hour round trip. (points at Sharon) I'll tell you something, you're paying gas and tolls. (he leaves) CHRIS -- There. Well. Guess I scared him off huh? CHARLEENE -- Sharon, from now on you stay out of my romantic life or I'll pin your neck against the wall. Do you hear me? SHARON -- Yes. CHARLEENE -- Now leave us alone. CHRIS -- Wow honey, that was great. Boy, now there's nothing in the way of our relationship. It's just you and me forever. CHARLEENE -- Excuse me? CHRIS -- Well Charleene do I have to say it with Cubic Zarconia? CHARLEENE -- Chris, our time together has been terrific but you didn't think this was a permanent thing did you? I mean this is just a mindless fling. I just broke up with my boyfriend a week ago so this could never be anything but a classic transitional relationship. Anybody would know that. CHRIS -- Allright now wait a second. Hold all calls, missy. Are you saying that you just used me....like a piece of common...household cheese? CHARLEENE -- No. I don't think so. CHRIS -- Well maybe I, I didn't make myself clear. You used this temple, which I call my body, as a dumping ground for you twisted, sexual desires. CHARLEENE -- Oh yeah...yeah I guess I did. Gosh, I'm sorry. CHRIS -- No. Don't be sorry. That's great. Wow....I was actually used for sex, and I was too stupid to even realize it. Wow...me....a sex object. That's something I can tell my grandkids about. Thanks Charleene. Thanks a lot. Boy. Hey listen, if you're going to be in town next week why don't you give me a call and then maybe we can have a little more sex. CHARLEENE -- Sure. Weirder things. CHRIS -- Hey Larry, I think you're sister-in-law just used me for sex. LARRY -- Chris, I'm sorry. CHRIS -- No. I liked it. And you know something? I think I've learned a valuable lesson here--that women on the rebound are animals. LARRY -- Aren't you gonna miss her? CHRIS -- Yeah, I am. But ya know what? I'll always have my memories MEMORY MONTAGE ( to the Bee Gees's "How Deep Is Your Love") LATER SHARON -- Are you going to get him out of here? LARRY -- Honey, he's enjoying his memories. SHARON -- He's a psycho. LARRY -- Let's just go to bed. He's usually gone by morning. THE END