Yeshe,

All is well here. I just got off from a retreat in Vermont with about twenty mo
nks and nuns in Thich Nhat Hanh's Vietnamese tradition, Lin Chi lineage. Thank 
you for your thoughts on ordaining.

Last year I lived with a monk for about 8 months, and since I started practicin
g formally about three years ago I have made it a point to talk with as many mo
nks, nuns, and former monks and nuns in many traditions as I am able to. So abo
ut three years of consistent meditation on this question precedes me. Surprisin
gly  there has not been a single time when I have wavered on this. I have yet t
o meet a partner to whom I could truthfully say "until death do us part." With 
the teachings I have no hesitation. The question is, is the life of a monk most
 conducive to practice?

A Zen master who I respect once told me, when I asked, "How do I become a monk?
" "More important is _why_ become a monk. There are inside monks and outside mo
nks." He is one of those few who is both. There is no doubt I once had romantic
 ideas about monastic life. I know that life in graduate school does not much a
ppeal to me. Nor does being an academic. The only time I experience true happin
ess is when practicing or living the Dharma. That much is clear. All that you s
ay is also clear, on pride, arrogance and indolence. These are serious dangers 
in practice as a monk. As fortune has it the few monks I have studied with have
 been genuine in this respect.

The Buddha clearly supported practice as a bhikkhu. He taught lay practitioners
 but claimed it is a far more difficult path to follow. I have been patiently p
utting off ordaining to experience the possibilities of lay practice. The amoun
t of stress is incredible. Genuinely helping others with compassion leads to li
ttle material gain, which means we must whore out our bodies and minds so as to
 eat and sleep. So what little practice we can do barely allows us to ford the 
flood of karma let loose by the drive for money. Living here at the Zen Center 
is a great support. When I look for a reason not to live the life of a monk as 
the Buddha taught I find none worth mentioning save me, I: the ego.

So, can we live as monks as the Buddha taught? I have seen too many impossibili
ties become possible to say no. Zeal leads me to think there is nothing else re
ally to be done. With all the killing, disease, and decay that show no signs of
 lessening in this human world, my meager abilities to perceive the world find 
no better alternative than complete renunciation. That includes renunciation of
 the _idea_ of becoming a monk. Don't think I do this to become yet another thi
ng. The temptation is strong, but I don't doubt that the craving to be is any l
ess powerful than the craving for sensual pleasures, sexual or otherwise.