how, or not

suffering is the means, to creation,
to speak of means, of creation.

suffering of an act not done, of stillness amidst motion,
incessant, of staying, fixed, against a flood
flowing not wrong, not right, in a known direction
to an unknown end, of letting water and dirt
and stick and rock pass unaware, wearing down excess
to a core, or nothing, yourself, flayed, naked,
a sign, a warning of what could, what will,
a hope, no, less, much less,
an if only, restless, involuntary striving
to be without hope of being, ever,
without drama, all pain forced into a prick,
waited for, felt, overwhelming,
killing, no, almost,
a test, of truth, or something almost,
almost truth, reflected, refracted, innumerable times,
never conceding, for time, for truth,
infinite time, unending cycles,
in essence, its naked brilliance, killing, as
death itself, despite attempts, inconceivable,
conceived, to live, hiding always,
always here, always present, always now.

the rest is distraction, needed, clung to,
god, a center, meaning,
a way to be for the pain of not being,
to have choice, freedom, in distraction,
to forget demotion, constant, to nothing,
to a body, less than nothing,
clothed or unclothed, thinking or beyond thought,
waking in sleep, alive, yes, alive, though
no more than if dead and rotting, perhaps in appearance
less active, always waiting, staring,
for a signal, a prick, to come
at a time unknown, unforeseen
despite anticipation, then doubt, despite
terror, the horror of sight, cold flesh sweating,
heart beat heard, the next just perhaps,
uncertain, nevertheless, of having felt, having been,
and questions, answers forgotten, or less, words only,
then more, the whole, or part, with meaning, somehow, somewhere,
or none, and nothing, again,
grey and waiting.

it is perhaps this or something more, beyond imagination,
imagination still unable, as said, to imagine,
conclusion, as always, yawning, as here, open to
all, the world, not reduced, ever, to a word,
and beyond, the conceived, inconceivable, inconclusive.