From chicks@cpr.org Thu Oct 2 09:38:45 1997 Date: Sun, 14 Sep 1997 17:42:05 -0600 From: Cheryl Hicks To: cwyles@nyx.net, pwyles@carbon.cudenver.edu, lwyles@nyx.net Subject: Movie humor A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong: 1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. 2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. 3. Gun wounds again? 4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. 5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. 6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken! 7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants. 8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? 9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up. 10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken. 11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! 12. You daring lousy guy. 13. Beat him out of recognizable shape! 14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately. 15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! 16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. 17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? And finally... 18. How can you use my intestines as a gift? From pwyles@carbon.cudenver.edu Thu Oct 2 09:39:09 1997 Date: Wed, 17 Sep 1997 09:07:08 -0600 (MDT) From: Paul Wyles To: Paul Thalos Cc: Carl Wyles Subject: Re: If you ever use 'uname -a' In the begining there was Ultrix and it was good. There was a day and a night, then Digital said let there be Alphas, and let the operating system be OSF/1. It was done, and they saw that it was good, There was a day and a night Then Digital marketing said, "It is hard to sell OSF/1 the customers don't know it is UNIX." Digital said, "let the next rev of OSF/1 be called Digital UNIX 4.0, this way the customers will know it is UNIX." It was done, and they saw that it was good, There was a day and a night ... Paul Wyles 1997 On Tue, 16 Sep 1997, Paul Thalos wrote: > Paul, > We are running Digital unix, not OSF1. At least I think, or did > they rename OSF ? Whatever happened to OSF2 ? > ~~paul Paul Wyles --------------------------------------------------------------------------- CU-Denver Computing, Information and Network Services (303) 556-6100 Campus Box 169 / P.O. Box 173364, Denver CO 80217-3364 / 1200 Larimer, NC2506A, Denver CO 80204 / pwyles@carbon.cudenver.edu From pwyles@carbon.cudenver.edu Thu Oct 2 09:39:22 1997 Date: Wed, 17 Sep 1997 17:00:39 -0600 (MDT) From: Paul Wyles To: Humor list -- Ben Hollad , Carl Wyles , Cheryl Hicks , Connie Johnson , jjdellea@ouray.cudenver.edu, Julie Hicks , Ken Wolcott , lwyles@nyx.net, Maureen Cristensen , Peter Hoogendyk , gmarch@carbon.cudenver.edu Subject: THE MULE (fwd) ~~paul Paul Wyles From: Doctor Beaker From: shaman A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.' Genius has its limits. Stupidity knows no bounds. #=*) We now return you to your regularly scheduled mayhem. From pwyles@carbon.cudenver.edu Thu Oct 2 09:39:41 1997 Date: Fri, 19 Sep 1997 15:30:29 -0600 (MDT) From: Paul Wyles To: Humor list -- Ben Hollad , Carl Wyles , Cheryl Hicks , Connie Johnson , Julie Hicks , Ken Wolcott , lwyles@nyx.net, Maureen Cristensen , Peter Hoogendyk , vanwazer@clem.mscd.edu, gmarch@carbon.cudenver.edu Subject: Is it plugged in? (fwd) ~~paul Paul Wyles From: Joe Dellea | ---^-^-{@ "I don't make this stuff up: I don't have to!" | From: Meera Barry [You've heard this one before... or a variant. However, this is the most appropriate ending.] ---------------------------------------------------------------- Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" ..."Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ..."Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ..."Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." Sounds like the conversation I had a couple of years ago. The person who wanted to know if the labs would be open during the power outage. I lost it