From the business section of The Kansas City Star, Jan 17, 1995: "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
THIS FORWARDED MESSAGE APPEARED IN MY MAILBOX ONE DAY. I ENJOYED IT. SO HERE IT IS FOR YOU TO ENJOY--->> Begin forwarded message: Date: 11 Apr 1995 12:14:24 -0800 From: "Raymond Fischer"
Subject: pesto-humor - software revi To: "Gayle Koyanagi" , "Pesto People" Mail*Link(r) SMTP pesto-humor - software reviews Bought any software lately? Ray ------------- As a consulting editor for a professional journal and an avid reader of computer magazines, Aunt Bea has long recognized the importance of keeping advertisers happy. If you slam their products, they pull their accounts. If you hype their products TOO much, disgruntled readers cancel their subscriptions. To overcome this problem, product reviewers have learned to write in code. For your edification, here are some common phrases and their translations. WHAT THE REVIEWER SAID WHAT THE REVIEWER MEANT This revision has an improved Windows- Some of the words on the screen are like interface. now in English. The astute observer will note that The commands are utterly the software has its roots in UNIX. incomprehensible. The installation process took a little We buried my grandmother between longer than some others. disk changes. Minor system instability was noted. Seventeen lockups in the first hour. Instructions are brief and succinct. They're written on the disk label. The manual is written with beginning It's 300 pages long and says users in mind. nothing. The manual is written with advanced It's 300 pages long and written users in mind. in Sanskrit. Limited on-line help is available. There is a 2K file named README.TXT. The end user can write workable If he has an MBA in Information apps the very first day. Science. The program practically runs itself. Plan on three days of study. The program requires a little effort Plan on three weeks of study. to understand. The learning curve is a bit steep. Take it back to the dealer today. The interface is graphical and Picasso designed the icons. intuitive. OLE 2 is partially implemented. OLE 2 is not implemented. OLE 2 is fully implemented. OLE 2 is partially implemented. The software appears to have been Looks like a beta version to me. carefully tested and debugged. Technical support is free... The queue is two hours long. ...and support personnel are friendly. Alas, they don't speak your language.
________________________________________________________ Things To Keep In Mind!!! > > > Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. > > Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... > > 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. > > Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? > > Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. > > ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error... > > A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. > > For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. > > I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... > > The beatings will continue until morale improves. > > I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. > > Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. > > Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. > > Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. > > There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. > > I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. > > Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? > > A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. > > I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. > > Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out. > > If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! > > Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a > rock. > > If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? > > If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. > > If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. > > It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. > > Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. > > Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either. > > Budget: A method for going broke methodically. > > Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. > > Do witches run spell checkers? > > Demons are a Ghouls best Friend. > > Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. > > Dain bramaged. > > Department of Redundancy Department > > Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! > > What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. > > Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. > > COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key > > Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. > > 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. > > Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. > > My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. > > C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL > > C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN > > <-------- The information went data way --------> > > Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression > > The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. > > BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding > > The name is Baud......, James Baud. > > BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! > > Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! > > C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. > > Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. > > Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" > > As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. > > Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) > > Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups. > > E Pluribus Modem > > ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) > > Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny > > A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. > > An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. > > CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)? > > Does fuzzy logic tickle? > > A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. > > 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? > > Windows: Just another pane in the glass. > > SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . > > Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? > > Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. > > RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure. > > Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... > > All computers wait at the same speed. > > DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. > > Press
- - to continue ... > > Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... > > Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... > > ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! > > All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? > > Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. > > "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 > > DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS > > Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS > > Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! > > Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... > > Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. > > REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q) > > Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~" > > Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) > > Hit any user to continue. > > 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!! > > I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! > > Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? > > Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic > > (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? > > (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? > > > If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be > the process of putting them in. > > Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. > > Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing