Basic Rules for House Cats

Basic Rules for House Cats

(all mother cats are mandated to require her kittens recite all rules by rote)

Rule 1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, shag is good.

Rule 2. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door open, stand on your hind legs and hammer with your forepaws. From outside, jump and cling to the screen. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and halfway out, and think about several things, especially during cold weather or during the mosquito season.

Rule 3. When there are quests, quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange to have "Friskies Fish'n Glop" on ;your breath, so much the better.

Rule 4. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select a color that contrasts well with your fur. For example white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For a guest who claims "I love Kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings, or use a quick nip on the ankle.

Rule 5. When walking among dishes on the dining table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey: "But you allow me on the table when company is not here." Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necssary to do anything, just sit and stare.

Rule 6. If one of your humans is doing something important and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of beging stomped on and picked up and consoled.

Rule 7. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. For knitting projects, curl quietly on the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or spill the yarn. The knitter may attempt to distract you with a scrap of yarn. Ignore it.

Rule 8. If the human is writing, walk quickly back and forth on the paper, stopping from time to time to play with the pen. Always purr loudly when "helping," to discourage attempts at discipling.

Rule 9. Play is important. Get enough sleep during the day so that you are free for playing "see the mouse I caught" or "I can catch your foot" on your humans' bed between 2 and 4 A.M. Above all, begin your people training early, preferably when you're very small and still considered "cute." You will then have a smooth running household. Humnans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. They mean well. Training do's is another matter. Banish them!

Another from the famous Anonymous