Rule 2. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door
open, stand on your hind legs and hammer with your forepaws. From
outside, jump and cling to the screen. Once the door is opened, it is
not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened,
stand halfway in and halfway out, and think about several things,
especially during cold weather or during the mosquito season.
Rule 3. When there are quests, quickly determine which guest hates
cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange to have "Friskies
Fish'n Glop" on ;your breath, so much the better.
Rule 4. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs,
select a color that contrasts well with your fur. For example white
furred cats go to black wool clothing. For a guest who claims "I love
Kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings, or use a
quick nip on the ankle.
Rule 5. When walking among dishes on the dining table, be prepared
to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey: "But you
allow me on the table when company is not here." Always accompany guests
to the bathroom. It is not necssary to do anything, just sit and
Rule 6. If one of your humans is doing something important and
another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping. When
supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of beging stomped on and
picked up and consoled.
Rule 7. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the
eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. For
knitting projects, curl quietly on the lap of the knitter and pretend to
doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply.
This can cause dropped stitches or spill the yarn. The knitter may
attempt to distract you with a scrap of yarn. Ignore it.
Rule 8. If the human is writing, walk quickly back and forth on
the paper, stopping from time to time to play with the pen. Always purr
loudly when "helping," to discourage attempts at discipling.
Rule 9. Play is important. Get enough sleep during the day so
that you are free for playing "see the mouse I caught" or "I can catch
your foot" on your humans' bed between 2 and 4 A.M. Above all, begin your
people training early, preferably when you're very small and still
considered "cute." You will then have a smooth running household.
Humnans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start
early and are consistent. They mean well. Training do's is another
matter. Banish them!