GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- SPEWEY AND ME 33. 02/09/92 "SPEWEY AND ME" (211) Writer: Jace Richdale / Director: David Mirkin SPEWEY the alien (Special Person Entering the World, Egg Yolks), crashes into the back yard. Chris wants to protect him from the evil G-Men, but Gus sees the being bringing big bucks, perhaps from Michael Jackson's zoo. In the end, the alien turns out to be delicious (and self-saucing). Spewy ............. Arturo Gil Voice of Spewey ... Frank Welker Amy ............... Taylor Fry Brooks ............ Dave Florek Mason ............. Michael Frances Clarke Pebo Griffin ...... Rick Fitts NIGHT STARS (Comet-like object falls) GARAGE CHRIS -- Knit one, pearl two, knit one, pearl two, knit aaah picking bastard, Pearl Bailey. (loud crash from outside) Those darn neighbor hids with their Neil Sedaca records. I'll give them what for. Kids...no...you can't. Kids...unh uh. FRONT YARD CHRIS -- (gasps) Oh. Oh my goodness, something must have crashed. Either that or a couple of those moles were experimenting in their underground lab and they blew up the joint. Oh no, this...must have come from the sky, which means it can fly. It's an Unidentified Flying Thing...a UFT. Oh my, maybe it contains a cute little woolie creature with a caustic wit like Alph or Ray Walston. Or better yet maybe it's filled with sweet chewy candy. Eeeyugh. Oh wow. Oh my god it is an alien. Sweet Georgia Brown, there is life in outer space, and it's really foxy. It doesn't look injured, just a little disorientated or drunk off it's ass. I'll get him inside. Come on up. GARAGE CHRIS -- Uh, can you hear me little one? Oh, oh he's trying to make contact with me. Oh ho ho. Think of all that he can teach us all the wisdom he can share. This is a wonderful new beginning for mankind. Here you go, here's my finger. (Spewey bites Chris' finger and attacks and beats him) Aaagh aagh ooo ow. Maybe this is his way of saying "hello" a highly advanced superbeing's greeting that our puny minds can't comprehend? Well, howdy doo to you too my friend and welcome to our greasy rotten planet.(Spewey strangles Chris) GARAGE (morning) CHRIS-- Eeeeagh etc. Hey, what happened? Oh no, it must have all just been a sweet dream, huh. And though I'm still filled with a warm glow inside, and the remnants of last night's knish, I must now face the cruel reality that man is alone in the universe. Darn. (Spewey drops from the ceiling on Chris) Spewey you were real. Uh ho ho Oh Glorious rapture. Oh happy day. Oh god that hurts. Hurts so good because your trying to reach out to me. Here, would you like to phone home? Hee hee hee (Spewey beats him with receiver) Oh. I don't know what that means. Do you want me to dial for you? (Spewey pukes on him) Oh, oh a gift. Oh, thank you my friend, thank you but I'm afraid I don't have anything to give to you. I'll try to return your beautiful vulcan custom.(Chris spits on him. Spewey beats Chris) LIVING ROOM CHRIS -- Gus, Gus, prepare yourself for the feel-good experience of a lifetime.(laughs) Dee dee dee dee rrueee(Spewey attacks and beats Gus) He likes you. GUS -- Jeeze, what is it, some kind of filthy Rottweiler? CHRIS -- No Gus. It's a space alien. Maybe he entered out galaxy through a black hole? GUS -- Smells like he came through a sewer hole. Let me have a look. Kid, I hate to dissappoint you, but this is just that sick kid from down the block. He must have gotten out of his bubble. CHRIS -- Gus, I pulled him out of the wreckage myself, as if that weren't obvious from the many love-nips on my face. No trust me, he's a highly advanced creature from another world. GUS -- Well, maybe you're right. I'm pretty sure that kid down the block had braces. CHRIS -- (Spewey pukes on Chris) Oh. I'm keeping him. GUS -- Damn, I just mopped this floor last April. Next time that thing is gonna blow, put some damn newspapers down. CHRIS -- Jeeze, how can you be such a neat freak at a time like this. Don't you realize his every nuance is teaching us volumes? (laughs) I'm gonna name him Spewey. Get it? It's an acromyn for Special Person...Entering...the World...........Egg Yokes. Well you get the drift. GUS -- Just get him the hell outta here. He's stinking up the place. (door knocks) Go away, we're busy with something vile. GOVERNMENT -- Open up, it's the government. CHRIS -- Oh no, it's the government. They found out about Spewey and they've come to take him away. GUS -- Relax kid, they could be here to bust me for a zillion things. Still, you better stash wretch-boy in the next room. CHRIS -- Spewey. Ssh. GUS -- Hiya boys, what can I do ya for? G-MAN #1 -- We're from a special agency that's none of your business. All you need to know is we're searching the area for something that doesn't concern you. G-MAN#2 -- Yeah, and it's not from outer space. G-MAN#1 -- Well, I guess the rat's out of the bag. Okay, here's the deal. We got a report from some Ham Radio geek that a spaceship crashed in the area, and even though aliens don't officially exist we have to check it out. And frankly we're always looking for an excuse to get a good cover-up going. CHRIS -- Well, we haven't seen a thing. Have we Gus? (mimics Gus) No, no we haven't seen a thing. G-MAN#1 -- What the hell is that? GUS -- Oh, ah that's just my housecat. He's a little under the weather. You know, he got a hold of a bad porkchop. CHRIS -- Oh, ho listen to those sad little pussy. (laughs) Well why don't I go see if I can't shush him up just a.... Be right back. Now shush there snowball, that's a good housekitty. (Spewey sprays the G-Men) G-MAN#1 -- Just how big and how sick is this cat? CHRIS -- Well ah, that actually wasn't the cat ah, that was me. Oogh oh, omph GUS -- You buy that right? G-MAN#1 -- Frankly, either way it's disgusting. (they leave) CHRIS -- Oh whew, that was close. For a second there Gus, I thought you were going to give away Spewey. GUS -- Are you kidding? If the government wants him that bad, just think what the circus will pay for him? Better yet....Michael Jackson! This reeking bag of goo is a goldmind. CHRIS -- Gus! It's okay, it's okay, Daddy didn't mean it. He's just erecting emotional walls cause he's afraid you might leave us, that's all but.....(Spewey grunts and shakes while white cream oozes from his elbows) Oh, look how happy that made him Gus? He's making pudding for us. GUS -- Ick, you never know what's going to come out of this thing next. Hey it does look a little like pudding. I wonder if I could sell him to Bill Cosby. CHRIS -- Quick Gus, grab a mug, we don't want to offend him. GUS -- Get away from that. that's not a Mr. Softie machine. That's some kind of alien gunk, or worse yet, some of that low-fat yogurt. CHRIS -- Mmm mmm. Try nectar of the gods. Mmm. Maybe he's come here to end world hunger. GUS -- Just get it the hell out of here so I make some calls. With any luck I can get a bidding war going between "Hard Copy" and "A Current Affair." CHRIS -- I think I'll take Spewey out and introduce him to my old high school buddy--the Pope. POPE LOCATION CHRIS -- Hi, Pope. I'd like you to meet my friend Spewey, if you could. (Spewey attacks Pope) Oh look he... woah watch your yamika. Oh. Fight him back cause he likes that. He likes you. LIVING ROOM GUS -- Chris, you're just in time. These gentleman are from Michael Jackson's private zoo. This is Pebo Griffin and Nick "the Keeper" Gillotti. PEBO -- So, where's the alien? CHRIS -- Well, he's resting right now underneath this blanket, but I must tell you gentlemen that he is not for sale. PEBO -- What? GUS -- Ah, don't worry. The kid's just gotten a little attached. It's for sale alright. Chris, you've got to think about what's best for the creature. In a zoo he'll have all kinds of other little animals that he can torment. PEBO -- Well, let's just take a look. (Spewey attacks) Aaagh. My god, the horror! CHRIS -- Well, I want to make absolutely sure that he gets a good home. It's important to bath him every four hours, being very careful with his special parts which I've yet to determine exactly where they are. NICK -- Aaagh. I think he swallowed my ear. PEBO -- (Spewey pukes on him) Forget it man, this thing is rank. GUS -- Wait fellas, fellas wait. Wait he's, he's just not used to our water. A little pepto and he's fine. He makes it's own pudding. Damn, they were my last hope. Turns out the circus already has an alien and it can juggle and get show out a canon. Oh well, maybe I can still squeeze a little beer money out of the government. CHRIS -- Gus, you can't turn him in. What if his friends come back to rescue him. GUS -- Kid, nobody's coming back for that. They may be nuts in space but they're not that nuts. CHRIS -- Gus, the government is such a cold, unfeeling bureaucracy. I mean, they might tease Spewey about the size of his bottom, or worse, make him work in the post office. GUS -- Don't be ridiculous. They'll take a few pictures, maybe cut its head off. CHRIS -- Now Gus, I'm not a fool. I know that that could cause perminent damage. Look, you have got to open your mind, more importantly your heart. Come on, Spewey's here to spread compassion and hope to our world. GUS -- He's a disgusting puking bastard and his pointie-eared butt is outta here. Hello government? Yeah, I got that little space monkey you're looking for. Right, 1804 York Lane. Yeah, and if you don't want it to accidently get away, you better bring your wallet. (siren, car skid) Wow, they were close. (door knocks) CHRIS -- Go away. We were just joking. There's no alien here. April fools. G-MEN -- Come on, let us in. We just want to take some pictures and maybe cut its head off. CHRIS -- Come on Spewey, we gotta get outta here. Run, run like the wind Spewey. Eeyah. Come on Spewey, come on. G-MEN#1 -- (knocks) Come on, let us in. Allright pal, where's the alien? GUS -- Ah that kid just dragged him out the back door. G-MEN#1 -- Ueah right. You know what we do to people who make crank calls to the government? GUS -- No I...(G-Man holds Gus while the other repeatedly slugs him) POTTER LIVING ROOM SHARON -- Well it's true Liz, I got everything repainted, repolished and steam-cleaned for fifty dollars. Well.....they were immigrants, they didn't know anybetter. I know. (laughs) Oh, excuse me Liz, Chris Peterson just showed up. Now I also have to call the fumigator. Yeah. CHRIS -- Sharon, oh Sharon I need your help. SHARON -- What's going on? What have you got under the blanket? CHRIS -- Sugar and spice and everything nice, but you can call him Spewey. SHARON -- Whatever it is stinks so bad it makes my eyes water, or is that you? CHRIS -- Sharon, that's the smell of fear. We're being chased by very very very bad bad bad bad bad bad men that want to do very very bad bad bad bad things to us. That's why we need your help. SHARON -- Allright so now calm down, calm down. CHRIS -- God knows what their fiendish minds may have concocted? Maybe they want to chop us up and put us into jars of formaldehyde and then keep us in separate cabinets so that we'll never ever ever see each other again. SHARON -- Really? Well, just who are these nice people? CHRIS -- Who else Sharon, the government. SHARON -- Ah, you, you, you mean the ones right down the street? CHRIS -- Mm. SHARON -- You wouldn't happen to have their number just by any chance would you? CHRIS -- Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do right here on this card. I keep it with me so I don't accidently call it. SHARON -- Chris, I, I want you to feel free to hide out here for long as you need to allright? But, will you just excuse me for a moment because I have to go into the kitchen to make a private and....totally unrelated phone call. CHRIS -- Oh, certainly I understand and bless you Sharon, bless you. You're an angel. Moowah. AMY -- Hi Chris. What's under the blanket? CHRIS -- Oh, this is it. Ah, this is the magic moment. When the children, oh the dear, sweet, innocent children, get to experience the magic of a creature of another world. (laughs) Get ready Amy. Get ready to be transformed by love.....and by magic. (uncovers Spewey) AMY -- Aaaaaaaagh. Kill it, kill it, kill it. I want it dead. (beats Spewey) CHRIS -- Oh, leave it to the children to understand his special language. SHARON -- (unintelligable) (Spewey sprays a fountain on slime. Amy screams) SHARON -- Oh my god. My beautiful walls. Chris. Chris, get that putrid thing out of here. CHRIS --Don't you see Sharon? He's teaching us about love. SHARON -- He's ruining my living room, you jackass. Well, congratulations Peterson, you finally found something more disgustnig than you are. CHRIS -- (sirens, cars skid, car doors shut) The government? You called the government Sharon. Et tu, Sharon, et tu? (door knocks) Come one Spewey we'll run away together. Come on, my special friend, no one understands us here. Come on. STREET NIGHT CHRIS -- (on bicycle with Spewey on the handle bars) Come on Spewey. Come on, let's fly. You and me forever. Come on, let's fly across the big fat moon. Here we go. (Chris and Spewey fall off cliff.) LIVING ROOM GUS -- What the hell happened to you? You try and make out with it? CHRIS -- No Gus. No, Spewey was talking me flying and well we hit a downdraft. Either that or he just doesn't fly. But who's ever heard of a space alien who couldn't magically fly? Is it my imagination or does Spewey look a tad off? (Spewey's head is backwards) GUS -- No, seems okay to me. CHRIS -- Oh, jeeze you. (Chris twists Spewey's head around) Look his pudding's an odd color. Mm. And it tastes kinda garlicy, especially after about the fifth helping. And listen to this. (Chris shakes Spewey. He makes a wind-up toy sound) GUS -- You're imagining things you worry wart. There's nothing wrong with that thing that a few well placed corks couldn't fix. CHRIS -- Jeeze, how can you be so casual at a time like this? Don't you realize our baby here needs our help. We got to get Spewey some medicine. GUS -- Chris, this is earth. You can't get medicine for a space alien. CHRIS -- Gus, hello in there? There's a new thing nowadays, it's called a supermarket.(laughs) Oh jeeze, where the hell have you been? (laughs) My only concern, and please don't take this the wrong way because you know I do simply adore you, is that while I'm out you'll sell him to the government like common two-bit weasel bastard. GUS -- Relax, in the shape he's in, I couldn't get jack-spit for him. CHRIS -- I knew you'd come around. Go ahead and give him a kiss. GUS -- Nawoh. CHRIS -- Kiss him. GUS -- Gee. (kisses him spits wretches etc.) CHRIS -- Allright, you guys have a good time now. See ya later. KITCHEN (Later) CHRIS -- Well, Mr. Naysayer, Mr. Cynic, Mr.......Foodeater. Lookie what I got here? (laughs) In regular and non-drousy formulas. So, where's the apple of my thighs..the Spewster? Hmm GUS -- Um, yeah, about that kid, ah. CHRIS -- (gasps) You sold him to the government? GUS -- I did not. I said I wouldn't didn't I? Gus Borden is a man of his word. CHRIS -- Jeeze, Gus I, I'm sorry. I, I apologize, I don't know what came over me. (laughs) So where is Spewey? GUS -- Ah, I beat him to death with a rake. CHRIS -- What? GUS -- Well sorry kid, but I had no choice. The thing barfed on me one time too often. I was starting to get a skin rash. So you can clearly see it was simply a matter of self defense. CHRIS -- Oh god no. Oh ho ho ho ho. My Spewey is no more. GUS -- Kid, I'm all for a suitable period of grieving but enough is enough. You know what they say, tragedy plus time equals....comedy. CHRIS -- Life has meaning for me anymore. I don't care if I live or if I die or....if I get really, really fat. Watch. (eats) Mmm mmm There see. So (crys) where are the last unearthly remains of my Spewey? GUS -- You're eating them. CHRIS -- Mmgh (gulp) ah Spewey? Really? GUS -- (nods) CHRIS -- You know I'd probably be a tad more upset if......he wasn't so darn tastey. GUS -- Ain't he though? CHRIS -- Mmm hm. GUS -- You see, I couldn't see letting perfectly good meat go to waste, what with roadkill down and all. Damn pet owners with their reflective collars. CHRIS -- Mmm You have simply got to give me the receipe for this. It is divine. GUS -- Sure. And the great thing is, there's no need to baste because it's self saucing. CHRIS -- Boy, you know it's kind of ironic. Spewey used to melt my heart, now he melts in my mouth. G-MAN #1 -- Allright boys, no more games. We know you've got the alien and we want it. G-MAN#2 --Yeah, on a platter. GUS -- Well that's convenient, grab a fork and pull up a chair. G-MAN#1 -- God. You mean you're....eating it? CHRIS -- Mmm hmm. Are we pigs or what? (Gus and Chris laugh) G-MAN#1 -- Oh well I guess it's okay...as long as you promise to send us the leftovers. And be sure to use "Gladwrap" for freshness. GUS -- You got it, chief. CHRIS -- Hey, ya know Gus, I finally realized now what Spewey's special message was to our planet. "Be happy and ...eat well." LATER (Kitchen) CHRIS -- Gus? What are you doing up?....Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking? GUS --Yup, if he's half as good cold....(both laugh) CHRIS -- Let's dig in compadre. GUS -- Wait, let's make a pact not to finish him tonight because he's gonna make some mighty great sandwiches. (both laugh) CHRIS -- Aaagh.(Spewey growls) GUS -- I'm sorry, I've been meaning to clean in there. CHRIS -- Oh Gus, it's the ghost of Spewey, come back to haunt us. GUS -- That's no ghost, it's the real thing. He must have regenerated from his own leftovers in an excellerated cloning process. CHRIS -- How'd you figure that out? GUS -- It wasn't hard, he's still covered with a one sauce CHRIS -- Spewey? Spewey, where are you going? Spewey? Spewey? Are you mad because we ate you? Look Gus. Gus, it's the mother ship Look they've.... THE END